I have a degree but he doesn’t. Will our relationship work? 

Hi Pastor,

I’m a degree holder but he is a Form Four leaver. We never seem to agree on anything, and I suspect it is because of our different education levels. We have a three-year-old child together. I feel like I can’t live with this feeling anymore. 

Hi,

Someone once said that love is blind. Well, I think that the love one feels for the one they desire to date or make a life with is a personal matter. However, what see and love is what you get. I believe that you fell in love with this man and not his education level or status. In fact, you have made a baby together. What you now have is the growing pains of discovering your true selves.

What you have in my opinion is a poor way of communicating. However, the moment you begin to equate his way of responding to his education will be the start of endless fights that will worsen with time. There are many men or women for that matter who dated and married a partner whose education level was way below theirs but have made a great life together. 

I believe that we marry a person and not their degrees or money. When the money evaporates, love remains the glue that keeps them together. The issue here is that poor communication and conflict management can be sorted only one way: First, deal with one issue at a time — mixing issues will cloud the table of discussion. List the issues then go through them one by one.

Second, seek to understand him and where he is coming from than to be understood by your partner. Third, explain your position on the issue at hand without being accusatory in your communication. Finally, don’t allow the issues to change the way you feel about or treat each other. Differences will always be there, but relationships show the value we place in people.

I confronted my boyfriend for cheating but he denied everything

Hello Pastor,

I went through my boyfriend’s phone and found some suspicious texts he had sent to two girls. I felt awful after reading them, especially because he was aloof with me and he stopped calling me. He makes no effort in our relationship and is okay with breaking his promises to me. 

I confronted him via text. He claimed the girls were his ex-girlfriends, and that the texts had no strings attached but I did not believe him. He had forwarded them the same romantic messages he sent me. Am I overthinking this? Should I let him go? My peace of mind is more important.

Hi,

Lack of personal and family accountability in the usage of social media platforms will continue to be an avenue of conflict in relationships for a long time to come. In addition, due to the secrecy in which communication on text, WhatsApp, it has aroused a lot of anxiety and raised many unanswered questions among many spouses, leading to arguments and confrontations.

With the limited communication between the two of you, this is where you found yourself —spying on your partner. Of course, the result is, for most spouses, is that they are unable to handle what they find. Some discover secrets that they never knew for years—including the fact that the other partner was a total fake.

Once found, most partners who know that they are in the wrong and that their secret is out, end up denying the truth or creating false alibis. However, it is up to you to decide, if what you found is big enough to break a relationship. What makes you think that you can trust him again? You see, I cannot answer these questions. He will assure you and give all kinds of reasons on who all these women are.

However, the big question is, “Why the limited communication? What was he pulling back on you?” You have to be satisfied that what you had together was not the reason. You have to be sure that he is not trying to assure you because he has been caught.

Finally, let me make two important observations that will help partners who spy on their spouse’s phone and discover what they suspected and it upsets them. 

First, texts and social media communication can create a false impression or expectation. The texts you look at and read through have a way of altering your balance, changing how you feel and your place in the relationship. 

In your mind develops an impression that the unseen person is better than you are. That is why your partner went all out for them. Sound familiar yet? However, this is not the point. If your partner falls for someone else and this is evident, take it in stride and move on.

After all, you have just discovered that he was never meant for you. In fact, you have just discovered how cheap that person is to give themselves away to so many. Don’t let it put you down as though he was the only person in the world.

Second, the discoveries of the secret communications between your partner and their secret lover can lead to low self-esteem, depression, jealousy and even hate. Failure to guard your emotional attachments may lead to insecurity. This is not healthy for any relationship. An insecure attachment moves into a relationship surrounded by fears or feelings of uncertainty.

This makes the partner suspicious and always on guard to spy on their spouse—maybe because they don’t believe in themselves enough. Ask yourself if you are overly attached to your partner to the extent that you feel excessively upset or panicky when they are away. If so, start building a healthy attachment that gives you self-worth and allows you to know that you are important and needed.

So, what do you do? 

I suggest that you evaluate yourself based on what I have shared and ask yourself if this relationship and the attachments thereof will compromise who you desire to be. If not, move on. 

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