How and when to introduce your lover to your children
Before unveiling the new partner, it is wise to break the news ahead of time and tactfully to the children.
What you need to know:
- The rifts within the marriage had cast a shadow over her three children, especially her teenage son, who bore the scars of trauma.
Before unveiling the new partner, it is wise to break the news ahead of time, tactfully, gradually explaining to the children what it means for them, says the counsellor.
In breaking the news to the children, timing matters as it helps the children transition faster.
Two years ago, Immaculate Jepleting, 27, was faced with a unique challenge that called for careful thought. She wanted to introduce her new partner Collins Kipchumba Bore, 27, to her son, then seven years old.
“I felt a strong need to introduce Collins to my son because he had also introduced me to his family as his wife-to-be. I knew that his intentions were genuine and he was serious about marrying me,” says Ms Jepleting, who had been single for years.
She took Bore to their rural home in Kapsabet, Nandi County, to meet her son and mother.
“The fact that she had introduced me to her son made me feel comfortable and respected. Initially, I had felt as though I was not making any strides in our relationship, but this act of introducing me to the son cleared any doubts I had,” explains Bore.
After that introduction, the young boy later asked his grandmother who Bore was in their family.
“The boy confides so much in his grandmother than me, so, he just asked her who Collins was, and he was told ‘ni daddy (its daddy)’, and he did not ask any further questions,” Jepleting recalls.
When schools closed in August 2021, Jepleting brought her son to Kapsabet town, where they live.
Bonding is key
“The boy didn’t ask me any questions. We just interacted and bonded seamlessly. We played cards and other games and made toy cars. We stayed together for three straight weeks, and he didn’t want to go back to his grandmother’s place,” Bore recounts happily.
Fortunately for them, the transition was exceptionally smooth.
“He asked whether we could transfer him to a school near where we live, but circumstances would not allow because the grandmother would be lonely as she lives alone,” he explains.
But not all couples have had a smooth sailing like the Bores.
Seven years ago, *Anne (not her real name) went through a divorce, putting what had been a difficult marriage of 15 years behind her.
The rifts within the marriage had cast a shadow over her three children, especially her teenage son, who bore the scars of trauma.
Five years later, Anne shook off the dust of the past and waltzed into the dating scene. After knowing her partner well, she felt it was time to introduce him, *Hillary (not his real name) to her children.
Saturday lunch date at home would do some magic, she thought. At around 11am, Hillary arrived. He was welcomed by Anne, her two sons and daughter.
After whiling away time with the children for some three hours, they had lunch before he left.
Collins Kipchumba and his wife Immaculate at their home in Nandi County. Immaculate’s son has accepted him as his father.
No sooner had Hillary left, than Anne’s teenage son asked; “Unataka kuolewa tena (you want to get married again)?”
She said yes.
Her son continued: “Ndio uendelee kuchapwa vile ulikuwa unachapwa (you want to continue being beaten)?”
Anne was taken aback. She was not prepared for that brutal rejection.
The teenager’s reaction is very normal in such an incident according to Lydia Ngwiri, a counselling psychologist in Nairobi. Ngwiri says rejection is an automatic reaction from children when their parent introduces a new partner because they think the new entrant is coming to replace their biological parent.
This scenario applies to any single parent – divorcee, separated, widow (er), or single by choice.
With that sobering reality, what is the best way to introduce a new partner/lover to your children? How do you break the news to the children? When is the best time to do it? How do you overcome the initial rejection?
Indeed, breaking the news can be overwhelming and stressful because it is a make-or-break moment, but with some tact, planning and consideration, the first meeting can go smoothly.
Preparation is key
Ngwiri advises one to prepare well on how to break the news to the children.
Before unveiling the new partner, it is wise to break the news ahead of time, tactfully, gradually explaining to the children what it means for them, says the counsellor.
Timing is everything
According to the Bores, one tip that helped them is that the timing was right and there were no mixed signals.
“I had not introduced my son to any other man so it was easy for him to accept the new reality,” Jepleting reflects.
To help with the transition, they visit their son and his grandmother every first weekend of the month.
“I am now familiar with him, and he has an understanding of who I am in his life. He calls me daddy and I play the role of a father to him,” shares Bore.
The couple met in March 2021 and a sweet friendship grew before it blossomed into love. Bore, a farmer and businessman, met Jepleting, then a client at his shop in Kapsabet town, Nandi County.
“She was friendly and warm. I got her number and we started chatting. I developed an interest in her and wanted to know her more. I asked her out and the rest is history.”
Nairobi-based counselling psychologist Lydia Ngwiri.
The two have been married for about two years now.
The expert echoes the couples’ sentiments that in breaking the news to the children, timing matters as it helps the children transition faster.
“The earlier you introduce your new partner to your children, the better for everybody. By the time you decide that you are marrying this person he or she is not a stranger to the children,” advises Ms Ngwiri.
She continues: “Do it early but gradually. Don’t wait until the last minute when you are planning the wedding, or on Valentine’s Day then you drop the bombshell. That will be disastrous.”
Test the waters
Another strategy is to ‘test the waters’ first by bringing the subject up when talking to the children during normal conversations.
“Introduce the topic in small bits depending on the age and the understanding of the child. You can pose the question, what if I decided to marry again? Then you observe their reactions,” the counsellor advises.
She further urges single parents who intend to remarry to consider taking their children for counselling “because there are fears a parent cannot handle.”
Ms Ngwiri also warns that the decision to remarry could be ‘bad’ news for children aged more than 10 years, but ‘good’ news for the small ones.
As you prepare for the transition, expect sibling rivalry because there are children from different families involved.
“If children from the same mother and father have conflicts among themselves, what about those in blended families? So be ready to tackle sibling rivalry,” cautions Ngwiri.
Address the child’s fears
So what do you do when there is outright rejection despite trying to do everything right? When children reject your partner, let them know that the remarriage is about your life and happiness.
“Help them in a calm and sober way, to understand that this means a lot to you,” says the expert.
If your children reject your partner do not think that all is lost. To unlock the stalemate, deal with the causes of the rejection.
“What are their fears? What is their mother telling them if she is alive? If you deal with these issues it will be easier for you to address that resistance.”
See a counsellor
If you can’t figure out what the children are rejecting, take them to a counsellor, advises Ms Ngwiri.
The therapist will pinpoint why they are rejecting your partner and will give the children tools to cope with the choice of their mother or father.
The reason for rejection could be that your new partner may be a tough disciplinarian.
The children – especially adolescents – may also see your partner as the cause of the death or divorce/separation of their biological parent.
“The new partner has to be very patient with the children because they are dealing with a lot. He or she has to make them feel secure and safe,” the counsellor advises.
