My boyfriend is not ready to be a father, do I abort our baby?

Dear Kitoto,

I am 26 years old and dating my co-worker who is 28 years. We have been dating for 6 months now. I recently found out that I’m pregnant and when I told my partner he told me he is not ready to be a father so I should have an abortion.

I feel frustrated because I thought he would welcome the news. Sometimes we talk well and it is almost as if the pregnancy is not an issue. Then out of the blues he sends me nasty texts telling me that I have ruined his life by becoming pregnant.

To make matters worse, I come from a very strict family that doesn’t condone pregnancy out of wedlock. I haven’t told anyone from my family about my pregnancy.

Deep in my heart, I know abortion is wrong but I feel confused about what to do. Should I go ahead and give birth to an unwanted baby or do I take the easy way out?

Also read: Let's talk about abortion: Who really needs it?

Hi

Let me start with a confession made by a 45-year-old woman who had an abortion in her early 20s, went ahead to marry the same man who impregnated her and they are now raising two teens. She said:

“Before I had an abortion, I was happy and outgoing. But after that, I started struggling with depressive thoughts. Anytime we had a disagreement with my husband, my mind would go back to the abortion. My husband never brought it up, he was kind and loving but somehow I couldn’t erase the issue from my mind. Many years of unhappiness hung above us like a dark cloud until we finally went for therapy.”

What am I saying here? Although the issue of abortion has drawn mixed reactions, none seems to major on the story of the silent victims of abortion. In my counselling career, I have found many with an inner unending silent cry—where they blame self and live with regret. As for you and your boyfriend, the question you are asking is real. First, having a clear understanding of what abortion is and the effects it leaves behind on the victim will help you make the right choice.

Your conviction seems to take you one way while the pressure you feel seems to point you another way. It appears like you believe that this action of abortion in itself is wrong. As I look at your email, there are certain issues I would like us to address.

First, from my experience in counselling, it appears like women more than men seem to suffer the emotional and physical pain that comes with an abortion. Because of this, a good number of abortion cases among teens and at times young adults have been pushed by men.

Second, since this pregnancy was not planned for, it has stressed both of you. I believe here is where you have to come to your senses and know that two wrongs don’t make a right. I would urge you to, first and foremost, acknowledge the mess you have found yourself in. This is the first and basic step to rewriting your history. Having an abortion will neither heal nor take away the guilt you currently feel.

Third, the fact that your boyfriend’s reaction to the news of the pregnancy reveals where his priorities are. He is selfish and seems to not care about how you feel. My guess is that, it is possibly that you may abort and he will still leave you. Since values are key in living a healthy life, I suggest that you obey your inner conviction. Abortion is wrong and will not be the way to resolve what you face.

Also read: Legal status: Is abortion fully illegal in Kenya?

Your differing perspectives on the pregnancy has exposed not only the values issue but also the issue of priorities. Your boyfriend seems to think that the pregnancy came at the wrong time. On the other side, your fear is your greatest enemy. Fear of how you will communicate to your parents is normal, particularly where we have to confess sin to people who believed in us. I would however want you to look at this this way, would you rather they hear of your pregnancy now or your abortion later in life?

Your fears can only be overcome by you. Your parent will be mad, but they are still your parents. Go back to them in humility and seek their forgiveness. Allow them to process the information their way. Do not go just expecting an immediate open arms reception. They will have to process the information their own way. But your approach will be key to how they will receive you. Possible go with an older auntie or uncle.

If your conclusion on abortion is in line with your convictions, I suggest that you stand by that conviction. Don’t let your boyfriend get back in the driving seat to dictate what you need to do. For once, stand by what is right. Remember that, may be when he was intimate with you, he gave you promises that now don’t mean anything. Don’t allow yourself to be wounded twice.

As you think of the emotional consequences that seem to come later as a result of such a pregnancy, learn to forgive yourself. Blaming yourself or living in fear will only weaken. The lady I shared about earlier did not know what awaited her after she took the decision to procure an abortion. You made a choice to be intimate to which you regret; don’t make another mistake that you could regret.

Wish you the best.