What you need to know:
- Identify why you feel fondness towards a particular man before you make your move. Is he married? Is he dating? Is he available? Know what you want from the onset.
- Knowing what you want will prevent you from being with a man simply to avoid loneliness or because you couldn’t find someone better.
- A man is likely to find it refreshing for you to ask him out. “Beyond that, it is empowering for the woman and puts her in a controlling position in as far as her dating life goes."
The world of dating has evolved tremendously. A few years ago, it was unheard of for a woman to approach a man she liked and propose to go out on a date, suggest a hookup, or even a relationship. Today, many women will not let an opportunity to net a good guy pass. However, making a move on a man still remains one of those difficult actions which can backfire badly. The potential rejection and manipulation could prove too costly.
But there are ways you can approach a man you like and successfully shoot your shot. According to psychologist Ken Munyua, you must first identify why you feel fondness towards a particular man before you make your move. Is he married? Is he dating? Is he available? Know what you want from the onset. Do you want a relationship? Do you want a one-night stand? Do you want frequent no strings attached sexual relations with him? In addition, says Munyua, knowing what you want will prevent you from being with a man simply to avoid loneliness or because you couldn’t find someone better. If you decide to make the move, the first thing is to avoid being intimidated. Rhonda Findling, a psychotherapist, and author of The Dating Cure, a man is likely to find it refreshing for you to ask him out. “Beyond that, it is empowering for the woman and puts her in a controlling position in as far as her dating life goes,” she says.
When to do it
Timing is important. There will be pointers on whether your move will be reciprocated or not. For example, does he make reference to details about your interests that you mentioned to him sometime back? Is he consistent in how he interacts with you? Does he return emails? Does he call if he promised to? Is he reliable enough?
Dropping the hint
If you’re too shy to make the move, give a clear green light. A man may hesitate to initiate a move if he feels that you’re not open to it. Also, being too flirty may cause him to think you only want a sexual hookup. “Be casual about it. You could ask him to check out a new bar or restaurant,” says psychologist Kennedy Oduor. Instead of saying “Want to go out sometime?” you may consider saying “Would you like to go with me on Friday night to that new restaurant downtown? And after dinner, we could catch the jazz concert at the Memorial Park!” Don’t get too excited if he says yes. His agreeing to go out with you does not mean he is agreeing to start a relationship with you. A man may agree to a dinner date with you and end up saying no to a relationship.
He might say no
Not all women who have been bold enough to shoot their shot have been successful. Rejections are real and possible. In the face of rejection, you may be left feeling loose and idiotic for going against the ‘normal’ social dating norm. “He said no and made me feel desperate. To make matters worse, we worked in the same building and saw each other frequently,” says Casey Watiri who once made a move on her colleague. She says that whenever she saw him, she was reminded of the rejection. With dwindling self-esteem, Casey eventually quit her job. “I just couldn’t take it. I quit and swore to never make a move on a man again no matter how attractive and seemingly welcoming he is,” she says. According to psychologist Dr. Chris Hart, a rejection may have nothing to do with you or your character. “A good man will not hurt you in the way he says no if he decides to say no,” he says. But to spare yourself the unnecessary heartache, disappointment, or embarrassment, it is wise that you carry out some homework on the man you are bound to propose to. “Look out for signs that support your feelings,” he says. For instance, you may want to find out just how much interest he has in your own life. Be honest with yourself too. Before you consider any romantic attachment with anyone, always ask yourself why that person is special to you and what really makes them special.
Signs to look out for
- If he sincerely seems interested in your life.
- If he seems to reflect what you do.
- If he smiles at you a lot.
- If he seems to move closer to you when you are together or when you sit together.
- If he seems a little confused or nervous when talking to you about romance.
What to do
- Cause him to think about you and put the idea of a relationship in his head.
- Be easy, decently inviting, and approachable.
- Compliment him and make him feel admired.
- Be sincere and friendly with him.
If he says No
- Don’t second guess or criticize your approach.
- Don’t try to change his mind.
- Don’t be embarrassed to ask if his no was a result of bad timing or whether he is just not interested in having a relationship with you.