State-owned firms a gift from God to all hustlers

ruto cabinet meeting state house

President William Ruto chairs a past cabinet meeting at State House, Nairobi. The Hustler Government wishes to notify all hustlers that the Cabinet finally approved the Privatisation Bill this week.

Photo credit: File | PSC

The Hustler Government wishes to notify all hustlers that the Cabinet finally approved the Privatisation Bill this week.

All hustlers who voted for us but have yet to receive their share of state appointments are hereby asked to go through the list of state firms up for sale and tick the ones they have been salivating at in order of priority. 

The checklist should reach the Hustler Service Commission before Members of Parliament wake up on the wrong side of the bed and begin rioting on the floor of the House. All successful applicants must be at the State House gate by 5 am for their swearing-in.

We have taken this earliest opportunity to make this public service announcement because rumours have been circulating on social media that those who did not vote for us are planning to go to court to stop allocating state companies to hustlers who formed this government.

It would be the highest form of jealousy for Mama Mboga to be denied the opportunity to upgrade from owning leaking roofs stacked on wooden poles to blue-chip companies bought with Hustler Fund loans.

There comes a time when the Judiciary has to make a painful decision on whether they will work with the Hustler Government or continue listening to those who have demonstrated that they don’t believe in God. We had started smelling a rat when the Supreme Court gave their stamp of approval to the free assembly of gay and lesbian lobby groups in Kenya. We hope when our competitors appear before them asking for the suspension of the Privatisation Bill, the Judiciary will take the side of God, as it’s public knowledge that He currently lives in the State House.

However, if the courts decide to remove their gloves and punch us from the corner of our competitors, the Hustler Government can neither confirm nor deny that we can help in relieving the Judiciary budget of some line items so that they can travel light as we all wait for the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Once again, we wish to remind those who did not vote for us that they will have to wait for those who believe in God to receive their allocation of state-owned companies first before we can throw the remaining scrap metal for them to fight over ways of recycling.

For the first time in the history of Kenya, we have a God-chosen President who is all-knowing and is right even when he’s wrong. He runs the government through advice from God, and even the clergy have since gone to sleep and left him alone because they don’t need to disturb God with our problems when our President speaks to Him directly. 

Whoever thinks he is brighter than our favourite tax collector should first show us their PhD in Unfulfilled Promises.

Honest submissions

The Hustler Government comes before you with these honest submissions, made in good faith, fully cognisant of the privileges that come with holding the knife and the yam to the faces of children from dynasties who are currently crying of hunger and starvation.

Anyone who is currently crying to us to give them food for life has only two options—to seek spiritual rebirth and eat the bread of life given by the church, or abandon their political beliefs and start following their stomachs to the State House.

Those doubting this free advice we’re giving you should consider asking the three wise men from the East, who have been searching for the only household in Kenya with smoke coming out of its chimney 24 hours a day.

State House is where everything is cooking right now and those who are ashamed of joining the clergy in praying for food will remain hungry until the World Food Programme comes to their aid. As for me and my fellow hustlers, we shall serve the Lord.