President William Ruto
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On Judiciary, the president should stop listening to constitutional law experts

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President William Ruto.

Photo credit: Joseph Kanyi | Nation Media Group

On the Judiciary, the president should stop listening to constitutional law experts and only rely on the Bible.

The hustler nation wishes to inform all our members residing in Kenya and in the diaspora that we’re aware of the controversial statements made at a funeral in Nyandarua by our favourite president, regarding certain prominent civil servants who have not been reading the latest version of the Bible as written by State House intercessors to our brothers and sisters in the Judiciary.

While it has been the policy of the hustler nation to only comment on the things that affect card-carrying members of the United Democratic Alliance (UDA) and other government shareholders, we would like to break this solemn rule to remind all Kenyans, of what the Bible says in 1 Chronicles 16:22, “Do not touch my anointed ones, do my prophets no harm.”

We have taken this painstaking duty to bring everyone up to speed of the covenant the people of Kenya had with God in the 2022 elections and why throwing stones at those who were chosen by God is considered an act of devil worship; for which will bring this country a litany of malignant curses.

For one week now, the hustler nation has been checking the Mathira English Dictionary for new words that may have been inserted there without the knowledge of Mau Mau experts; and we can confidently announce that, contrary to sensational media reports, there is nowhere the hustler nation’s president assaulted the Judiciary.

To ‘assault’, for those who may not have the benefit of interacting with the British colonialists, is ‘to make a physical attack on something or someone with the intention of inflicting bodily harm.’ It also means to ‘punch, beat, smack, strike, hit, spank, thwack, thrash, or pummel.’ Every one of you know that our God chosen president has done nothing like that to the Judiciary, because it is not scientifically possible to punch the Supreme Court building.

We have taken the labour of dispensing free English lessons to children of dynasty fond of mutilating the dictionary to advance their parochial interests against our government, and wish to inform all children of hustlers that they should not worry about not understanding anything we have said above.

Having dispensed with the first charge of assaulting the Judiciary and found the hustler president innocent, the hustler bench hereby moves to the second accusation which states that our God chosen president vowed to defy court orders unfavourable to his projects.

Before we make a ruling on this matter, the hustler bench wishes to bring to the attention of the mainstream media of the need for them to remain factual in reporting matters that are sensitive to national interests and which might jeopardize our regional reputation as the New Singapore of East Africa by mouth.

It is the submission of the hustler bench, that while our hustler president might have said words to the effect that he will pick which court orders to obey and which ones to violate, those who studied botany with him have since informed us that their university curriculum did not include the ability to judge judges with the naked eye like they do to plant tissue samples. As such, the hustler bench is hard-pressed to believe the media claims that the Judiciary would be intimidated by someone who does not have the professional training to assess their competence. We rule this second accusation as baseless.

As for the third charge of accusing the Judiciary of being infested by money-loving, rent-seeking judicial officers; the hustler bench came to the conclusion that there is no other better people to speak on the subject of fumigation than those who studied the behavior patterns of, and derive their daily bread from, studying the family tree of insects.

To unravel the mystery of this third charge, the hustler bench did take the liberty to conduct public participation around the country collecting expert opinion on three critical issues; (i) on whether there exists, at home or in the wild, a variety of insects that are money-loving whose natural habitat is restricted to the halls of justice, (ii) on whether this variety of money-loving insect could be susceptible to bribery, and (iii) on whether this variety of insect can survive in their natural habitat after consuming what is considered poison to alter their sense of judgment.

Before the hustler bench makes a ruling on this third charge, it is important to note that the team that went around the country speaking to insect experts did encounter several challenges in their mandate, chief of which was language barrier.

Even those who have studied insects were categorical that no human being has been able to crack the coded language in which insects communicate in and were, therefore, incapacitated to speak on behalf of insects as doing so would amount to misrepresentation of their clients. The hustler bench, therefore, concluded that it was not scientifically possible for any member of the Homo genus to purport to speak for members of the insect family. This charge is, therefore, ruled as hot air and wild goose chase.

In conclusion, the hustler bench hereby rules that since the advent of Christianity for which the hustler government was founded, no God chosen government has ever been wrong.

When we went for the elections in 2022, we promised all hustlers that our main agenda was returning this country back to the body of Christ, because our religious experts had warned us that this country was quickly turning into a Sodom and Gomorrah where the laws of God had been replaced by laws written by a select group of people calling themselves Constitutional experts.

We submit that a God chosen government should only listen to the word of God as was prophesized in the Book of Daniel 5:25, “mene, mene, tekel, parsin.”