Haiti protests

Residents protest the killing of six police officers by armed gangs in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, on January 26. The officers died in the town of Liancourt on January 25 after a fierce battle with gunmen who had tried to take over a police station.

| Richard Pierrin| AFP

Haiti criminal gangs are about to discover that God is more powerful than voodoo

The hustler government wishes to extend its sincere appreciation to the President of the United States, Joe Biden, for the public show of confidence in the Government of Kenya’s ability to lead the security team flying to Haiti to go spread the word of God to all gang members who have refused to lay down their arms and return to Christ.

Indeed, never in the 60 years of our independence has a US President boldly come out to endorse a Kenyan president on live TV as it happened last week at the United Nations General Assembly (UNGA). Those who did not believe that this government was chosen by God will now have nowhere to hide their faces when we provide proof that we have been chosen by the United States of America.

Indeed, when the hustler government came to power, we promised all hustlers wherever they were that our government will reduce the high blood pressure associated with false pre-election promises and return all troubled hustlers back to the body of Christ.

After one year of reforming our police force into a service industry of live bullets, and changing the previously atrocious police uniform into one that has pockets to safely store police radio, it is now time to venture outside Kenyan geographical territory to go greet criminals in Haiti.

Use of force

We wish to sincerely thank the United Nations (UN) Secretary-General António Guterres for correctly diagnosing the problem in Haiti to be one that requires a robust use of force, and trusting that the Kenya Police is the only one that has demonstrated willingness, intention, willpower and courage to break into the sacred homes of unarmed residents and order them to line up their bodies for thorough beatings and thanksgiving prayers thereafter.

Those who accused our hustler police of shooting unarmed civilians during the anti-government protests, should know that we did so to prove to the youth of this country that hard work pays, and it didn’t take long before it earned us higher responsibilities. 

Since the United Nations signalled its intention to promote our police officers to glory, there are some of you who have been discouraging them from answering the call of duty to go test their shooting skills with real criminals with better ammunition and nothing to lose.

 For a long time our competitors who do not believe in God have been accusing our police of not being professional in their job, but when they heard the US President and the UN Secretary-General give our police a thumbs up they have since uprooted the goal posts and accused us of sending the police in harm’s way, forgetting that the reason our police officers are trained in gun-handling is precisely because their career progression is determined by how effortless they can navigate through harm’s way.

This show of confidence by the international community in our hustler police force is enough proof that Kenya is the only police unit in the whole world capable of sending shivers down the spine of criminal gangs who terrorise governments at will.

Countries who have been battling chaos and disorder of this nature and who desire to enjoy the peace and tranquility should look no further than the Kenya Police, because in us, you can finally sleep soundly at night or in a speeding Subaru Outback depending on your shareholding status in the hustler government.

We wonder why it took the Haiti Prime Minister Ariel Henry too long to reach out for tips on how to deal with those who do not belong to the medical list of the major causes of headaches to the government.

At the Hustler Centre, we have always held the firm belief that all the Haiti prime minister needed to do was to establish the office of his spouse who was to get in touch with her equivalent in Kenya who would’ve asked State House intercessors and their friends to help him make some noise, very early, really.

The hustler government wishes to express our sincere empathies to the long-suffering hustlers in Haiti, who have had to endure perilous decades of gang violence playing out daily on the streets, and which escalated after the July 2021 assassination of President Jovenel Moïse.

While we may not be in a position to neither confirm nor deny that the Kenyan police shall use live bullets on Haitian hustlers who shall have chosen to brave the hostility and venture outside to look for food instead of staying indoors, we wish to alert anyone who will be expecting apologies from the Kenya police that they will be treated to messages of appreciation for a job well done brutalising unarmed Haitians and joining the street gangs in helping Haitian hustlers choose the fastest option from among the 1,000 ways to die.

When we heard that criminal gangs had taken over the running of the capital Port-au-Prince rendering the local law enforcers helpless, we wondered what grave sins Haitians committed for God to abandon them at their greatest hour of need; only to be reminded that Haiti’s economy was once bankrolled by the proceeds of slavery and human trafficking.

Generational curses

After our police are done cleaning the streets in six months’ time, we shall return with anointing oil to pray for all generational curses to leave Haiti and go to the dogs, which will be historic.

Many have asked us why we have chosen to send the Kenya Police instead of the more menacing Kenya Defence Forces crack unit, with security experts predicting that the 1,000 police officers are likely to return in another posture other than a walking position. Our response to this uncomplicated concern is simple: that those who have been asking why the hustler government has been on a passionate drive to reform university education should look no further for an answer.

If security experts can be taught to question the government’s intention on every policy decision, then very soon they may begin asking for proof that the hustler government was chosen by God.

As a government that campaigned on the promise of restoring Kenya back to the body of Christ, this is a sacrilegious path we will not allow those who do not believe in God to take us through, even if it means changing the university financing model to discourage clever students from pursuing higher education.