A drive into Scotland brings sadness, but also a sense of relief

Turning our backs on a fuel crisis, angry disputes in the Labour party and the daily havoc of Covid, four of us headed into Scotland last week. Our destination? A monastery which we had helped build many years earlier. 

Maybe it was the company of long-time friends, re-telling old stories or the unexpectedly sunny weather, but the heaviness of the past months seemed to swiftly fall away. 

Crossing the border (will we have to show passports there at some point in the future?), we drove into East Lothian and stopped for lunch: Fish and chips large, fish and chips small, gammon steaks and chips, steak and mushroom pie, plus dry white wine and beers. Bon appetit! 

The atmosphere was sadder at the Sancta Maria Abbey of Trappist monks, a community once 20-plus, now down to eight. 

The founding fathers came from Ireland after World War Two and set to building a monastery on a nearby hilltop.

It was there that many young men, we four included, volunteered to help, labouring, brick-laying, cement-mixing in the summer holidays over many years. 

Eventually the new monastery was completed and opened, sadly much too big for current numbers. 

Not to worry, said the abbot, a cheerful Scot of Italian descent, a man who takes things day by day. 

And so home again, weary but strangely uplifted. A day to remember in these dark times. 

***

Tuning into BBC radio last week, I heard a lady reeling off joke after joke. 

One was, “My husband calls me his African queen. I call him The Coloniser.” 

Wow, I thought, this isn’t the sort of crack you usually hear from our comedians. With reason. The teller was Kenyan-born Njambi McGrath and “the coloniser” was her white British husband, David. 

Investigating further, I discovered Njambi is a pretty hot property these days: Writer/presenter of the Radio Four series, Accidental Coconut, winner of the prestigious Hackney Empire New Act 2019, holder of academic degrees in New York and London, writer of an autobiography, Through the Leopard’s Gaze, which tells of her traumatic childhood in Central Province, and author of two novels. 

In 15 minutes, Njambi told one joke about Kenya, a tribute to her grandmother at the expense of Jomo Kenyatta. Otherwise, her targets were Western racism, categorisation by colour, British colonialism, insensitivity and so on. 

And when you listen to this story about her marriage, you understand the anger. What her mother-in-law said on their first meeting was: “The day I found out that my son David was marrying a woman from Africa, I was horrified. But at least you’re not black black.” 

***

British children aged under 12 have been banned from heading footballs in training. 

It is a tiny step, but it is an official acknowledgment that heading balls can damage the brain, leading almost certainly in some cases to dementia. 

Five of the 11 men who won the World Cup for England in 1966 fell victim to the disease, leading to the early deaths of four of them. In later years, stars such as the Scot, Denis Law, and Liverpool legend Terry McDermott were diagnosed with forms of the illness. 

Until recently, it was assumed that damage to the brain was caused by the heavy, leather balls used in the past. 

However, new research suggests that because lighter modern balls travel faster, the impact is greater than with the old balls, speed, not weight, being the danger factor. 

Under the new guidelines, children may use their heads during matches but not in practice or training sessions. In the United States, children under 10 are already banned from heading footballs. 

***

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party, but they are constantly interrupted by people telling the doctor about their ailments and asking for free medical advice. Finally, the doctor asks the lawyer, "How do you stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" 

Said the lawyer, "I give them the advice, then I send them a bill." 

The doctor feels a bit guilty about that but decides to give it a try and prepares the bills. When he goes to his mailbox, he finds a letter. It’s a bill from the lawyer. 

***

Two lawyers go into a restaurant, order drinks, then taking sandwiches out of their briefcases, begin to eat. Furious, the owner says, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches here.” 

So the lawyers swapped sandwiches. 

***

Looking from his expensive automobile, a prosperous lawyer saw a man eating grass. He stopped the car and asked why. 

“Because I have no money for food,” the man said.

“That’s terrible,” said the lawyer. “Get into my car.”

The man said he also had a wife and six starving children. 

“Bring them all,” said the lawyer, “the grass on my lawn is at least three feet high.” 

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