Kitoto: My wife has been having affairs with our neighbour and others. What do I do?

I discovered that my wife has been having an affair with our next-door neighbour, who is also married to a close family friend. Three weeks ago, after returning home from work, I was relaxing in our living room when our son approached me holding my wife’s phone, asking me to set up a game for him. While navigating through the phone, I stumbled upon a romantic message from our neighbour. I immediately called my wife to explain the content of the message. She claimed that the neighbour had been persistently contacting her but that they had never met in person, and he obtained her number from our gateman.

However, my investigations revealed sightings of the two together in town. Upon confronting her again, she confessed to meeting up with him once. Further questioning led her to admit that she had spent a night with him in a different town. We had a civil wedding two years ago, although we have been married for three years and have a two-year-old son.

There is now tension in the house and I am deeply hurt and heartbroken. Whenever the idea of divorce arises, I am torn due to concern for our son. I do not wish for him to grow up with only one parent. I am unsure if I can forgive her, yet I cannot envision leaving her either. She is 26, and I am 30.

In addition, I should mention that during the early stages of our relationship, she slept with two of my colleagues at work. One of them passed her onto the other. Also, a few months ago, when my car broke down and my phone ran out of charge, I attempted to borrow her phone to call a mechanic. However, she became visibly nervous, sweating and trembling, and proceeded to delete messages from her phone. What should I do?

Hi

I must admit that I do not understand your pain because it is so personal and unique to every couple. Again, noting that I have only heard your side of the story, I trust that like many others in situations like yours, you will continue to engage with us in this column since this is one of the most common problems affecting relationships today.

It is not unique to you. Similarly, many have worked out their issues together and found healing. Relationships are dynamic and complicated—based on the ground rules a couple puts in place relating to conflict management. No one couple can say they are masters of this—particularly when it comes to practical matters in avoiding infidelity or resolving it. Many books, literature and talk shows continue to offer support in this area.

Read: I am tired of my wife’s adulterous behaviour

It does not surprise me the much you know about your wife and her actions. People’s phones can tell a lot about their untold lives. Sometimes, what we discover may come to us accidentally/or unintentionally. What matters is how we access the information, what strategy we use in confronting the issue under contention, and whether we have the capacity or supporting networks around us to help us navigate through objectively with the aim of healing. Many have confessed later that they wished they had someone by their side as they tried to resolve an issue like infidelity. The question is, why does she choose to hide or lie even when you have shared the facts? You have to understand that truth hurts and with it comes the fear of the unknown. For you, the fear is your child growing up without both parents.

Read: My wife is in love with a married man, but I still want her

That said, the affair that your wife had with your office mates and later with your neighbour is heart-wrenching. When we confront a spouse on a sin and they choose not to be open or disclose it partially, little can be done to force compliance. This makes healing difficult.

Problems can only be resolved and healing achieved when a couple embraces open and honest disclosure. Seeing that your desire is reconciliation—and in particular, because of the children, you may need to re-evaluate whether you are handling the issue well or you need the help of a professional. You can only determine what is good for you and the children by:

First, ask yourself whether both of you want the same thing. She must see her wrong and be willing to confess if this path of reconciliation is to be feasible.

Your wife was wrong to intimately entertain the male friends she has in the past. In addition, seeing that this issue has recurred, it may be a weakness that may require several visits to a professional counsellor. Her disclosures appear to be far from honest. You and the counsellor must find out from her if she is committed to turning away from her sinful ways, and seek forgiveness and healing. In relationships—particularly marriage, reconciliation can only be possible if confession and desire for restoration come from a genuine heart of concern.

Second, ask yourself whether staying together for the sake of the children is a journey you are willing to pay the price for. Beware that she might decide to continue in her old ways if the goal of reconciliation is not clear. In healthy marriages, healing after an affair is best founded on a commitment from both spouses to pay the price of keeping the relationship together rather than using the past to punish or point a finger at each other.

Read: Am I a fool for sticking with my cheating wife?

Children will come and when they are a particular age they will go. However, the two of you will have to continue with life together. Discovering where your allegiance lies is crucial to the future. How far will you be willing to go and at what price? Many who have not counted the cost, have ended up regretting the consequences that followed and the price they had to pay. I don’t know whether she is regretting her mistakes but does not know how to say it. Maybe the reality is hitting her hard and she is helpless and afraid.

That said, what should never happen is for her to just walk from one affair to another at will. The concern for both of you should be to have a healthy relationship where you respect set boundaries as a married couple.

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