Pulling back the curtain on Mwende

A friend recently told me how she came across a crowd gathered around a man beating his wife. It was by the side of the road, and curious bystanders watched the unfolding drama as the woman screamed for mercy. When my friend tried to intervene, she was repulsed by the reactions around. “That’s his wife!” someone shouted, as if to justify the beating the beating.

The man turned his anger toward her too, enraged that she had dared intervene in a private affair whose details she was not privy to. She responded that him beating his wife, and in public too, made it her business.

That incident seemed curious to me, for I failed to comprehend how a crowd could watch with little intervention. I dismissed it as an isolated incident. Until Jackline Mwende husband was accused of chopping off her hands for allegedly being infertile. From press reports, it appeared the abuse had gone on for some time.

Even the neighbours seemed aware of it, as they said the couple fought frequently. Mwende revealed how she had been told by religious leaders to pray for her marriage.  What she didn’t realise was that she was not alone. Jackline may have never heard of Piah Njoki, the Kirinyaga  woman whose story captured national attention when her eyes were gorged out by her husband using a broken beer bottle in 1983.

Her crime? She had only given birth to daughters and no son. As heinous as the atrocities committed against them, Njoki and Mwende were some of the “lucky” ones, if you can call them that; they got away with their lives. Many victims don’t.

SAD REALITY

While we may not have comprehensive statistics locally, consider that in one research conducted in the US, it was discovered that in the same period, 11,766 women were killed as a result of domestic violence in comparison to 6,614 US troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq. Worldwide, the indications are that one in three women will experience partner violence at some point. 

And while there are cases of domestic violence against men, women make up the overwhelming majority of domestic violence victims worldwide. Countless cases of domestic violence go unreported, particularly in cultures that view wife beating as normal, and in some sick way, an expression of love. Let’s admit that we are usually all in this conspiracy of silence, including the victims who deny the abuse, the families who send them back, the neighbours who draw their curtains and turn up the volume of their radios to drown the screams, and the religious institutions that offer pat remedies. 

In so doing we re-victimise the the victim. We ask her what she did to bring about the attack. We tell her that if she makes his favourite meal, if she tries harder, if she loves him more, if she does less of what irritates him and more of what he likes; if she loses herself completely, if she doesn’t threaten his ego...

The sad reality is that the abuser uses violence to exert control and it is his way of dealing with his own pain and shame. He has to take responsibility for it, and do what he can to get help. Let us put the blame where it belongs and stop trying to make women into wonder woman. No woman can save her marriage alone.

Sadly, for many women in abusive situations, staying is easier than leaving. They stay for a myriad of reasons we may never understand. They stay for the children; because they are financially dependent on the abuser; for religious and cultural reasons; because they love their abuser and believe he can change. Domestic violence has a new face in Kenya, that of Jackline Mwende.

It’s time to set Mwende free, to tell her that it is not her fault, it will never be her fault. It is time to tell her the truth that staying for the children also hurts the children. If they don’t get caught up in the fight between their parents, they are prone to repeat the cycle of abuse when they grow up, either as victims or abusers.

It is time to change the narrative and take away the social stigma from women who leave abusive relationships. They must be helped to build a new life. Many victims of domestic violence would love to leave but they do not know where to go. Religious bodies can help by providing safe houses were victims can turn to for a bed and a meal as they seek further assistance. Women’s groups can have programmes to help abused women generate income.

It’s time to break the conspiracy of silence. To protect our mothers, sisters and daughters. It’s time to make sure another woman does not lose her hands, her voice or her life at the hands of her partner.