We interrupt normal programming to bring you this developing story about an earthquake that will hit Kenya today (Sunday).
We are learning that Earthquake Musalia Mudavadi is doing press-ups and imbibing some steroids plus some ‘mukombero’ at a location yet to be captured by satellite imagery, preparing to cause pure trepidation and an Armageddon-like gnashing of teeth when it is unleashed this afternoon.
We also understand that this might be the greatest political earthquake since December 2012 when someone blamed dark forces for attempting to derail a presidential bid.
Sources are also telling us that those who often include the word “elusive” when talking about Luhya unity are likely to suffer a lot as a result of the impact and the aftershocks of this earthquake whose epicentre will be the great son of Mulembe nation.
Also, naysayers like ODM Secretary-General Edwin Sifuna, who have said that nothing is going to happen despite the clear warnings from various sources are advised to hide. Last Sunday, Mr Mudavadi told Kenyans to find a way of being close to their TV sets from noon today.
“Muende kwa runinga kwa sababu siku hiyo tutakuwa na msisimko wa ardhi kwa mambo ya kisiasa kwa taifa la Kenya (Be close to your TV sets because that day there will be a tremor touching on political matters in Kenya),” he urged.
But the naysayers, who say this will be another anti-climax by the former vice-president, are advised to hide under something four-legged while covering themselves in bubble wraps because they will feel it.
Now, if my director can bring up that warning from the meteorological department. Yes, that one. Haters are saying it is fake but it is worth reiterating that this will be one bad earthquake that will leave the Richter scale feeling poor.
Experts tell us that tectonic plates are for sure going to move today more rapidly than plates move at an over-attended wedding; more rapidly than the plates of mandazi at a “disco matanga” in Vihiga, the county that gave Kenya its earthquake-producing son.
There is that other gazette notice by the government declaring this Sunday a public holiday in honour of Mr Mudavadi’s major announcement. Enemies of development are also calling it a forgery but we will end that discussion with a message: “You better recognise.”
Please also bring up that notice by matatu owners who say they will keep off work lest they are swirled up. Our in-house experts are saying that is the way to go. From Sabatia to Sabaki; Mululu to Mukuru; ANC in Kenya and ANC in South Africa, people need to stay away from this earthquake.
Whether it ends in a whimper or whether the man who once called himself the political Messi will introduce something messy and noisy in Kenyan politics, particularly on the One Kenya Alliance side, it is better to stay safe.
Our in-house experts are also saying that in 1960, the year Mr Mudavadi was born, witnessed the most powerful earthquake of the 20th century — one in Chile that caused a tsunami which rose 25 metres high and killed more than 1,600 people. Sources tell us that this is reason enough for Mr Mudavadi to grab the title “His Earthquakeness” from ODM leader Raila Odinga but so far there is no consensus.
So, keep safe. Wear your helmets, sanitise your minds and, for heaven’s sake, don’t watch maDVDs this afternoon when Mr Mudavadi wants you to be watching TV — because the earthquake is going to be televised, live-live.