Why men run away from their families

A Kirinyaga man deserted his two wives and 10 children nearly five decades ago. One day in 1973, he decided to sell his property and then disappeared. In March this year, he was found alive in Lamu County, 49 years later.

He was not the first to do so, and certainly not the last. In February, another man had returned home in Taita Taveta County after walking away from his wife and seven children in 1980.

Based on media reports, between 2018 and 2022, at least six men have mysteriously returned home after years of being absent from their families. They have been reunited with their families in the counties of Nakuru, Taita Taveta, Busia, Kirinyaga, Makueni and Kakamega.

These incidents form the basis of an interview with Fredrick Nyagah, the national founder and chairperson of Men Engage Kenya Network. He has mentored men for more than 20 years and nurtured them to embrace positive fatherhood. 

Why are men abandoning their families?

Society expects men to provide for their families even when they have no jobs. The economic frustrations, coupled with high expectations, drive men to edge. Some fall into depression, others end up running away. I know of one man who ran away and has never returned. He had borrowed a lot to provide for his family. In fact, I lent him twice. He did not refund me. 

In 2003, I met a homeless man at a market in Kitui market. He was mentally ill. I sat him down and sought to find out his problem and why he left his home for the market. He confided in me that he ran away because he would not meet his family's needs. He said every day they asked him: “What are we going to eat tomorrow? Yet I did not have the means to feed them.”

Around the city centre, you will see men walking around throwing hands. Why? They have bottled up issues and they do not want to seek help because of fear of being stigmatised. They don’t want to be perceived as weaklings.

Is that the only problem troubling men?

Men are struggling with sexual dysfunction, yet they cannot open up. To them, it is shameful and exposes them to ridicule. They refuse to go for tests because they do not want to be branded weak. Often, men will seek medical attention when it is too late, yet there is nothing wrong with being human in seeking treatment. In fact, suicide reports have shown more men than women kill themselves. The same for homicides. They kill others before they end their lives.

Men are also struggling with gender equality issues. They have been raised to know that they are in charge and decision-makers. They are supposed to show the way, yet sometimes they don’t have a single idea how to head their families. This sense of affirming their authority plays out in how they raise their children. They want to make all decisions for them without understanding that in some instances children know better than they do. And when they object, they feel threatened and they don’t know how to handle the objection. Some are forced into marriage by their relatives and a few days down the line, they have challenges and don’t know what to do.

What is the way out for men?

Men need mentorship, which should be viewed as a way of sharing experiences. It can take the form of coaching where a role model shows them the way because they have been there and can relate to their issues. They also need support and motivation. There are a lot of expectations shouldered on men such that when they do well, it is not taken to be an achievement. No one congratulates them. They also deserve to be told “Mr so and so, you have done well in raising your family.”

Do we have men-friendly healthcare facilities in Kenya?

No. In general, Kenya's health service delivery is not men-friendly. We don’t even have men-friendly mental services. We have maternal and child healthcare facilities but lack those for paternal healthcare. Does it mean men are not parents? Does it mean they are not supposed to bring up their children? They are parents and they are supposed to bring up their children. But do they know how to do it? No, they don't. Just like how women are taught to parent, so should men.

What possible interventions would encourage men to speak up?

We have found group education to be most effective. With group education, you create an environment where they are able to examine and question what they are doing wrong and come up with solutions.

We also need to appreciate the fact that men don't live in isolation. They associate with their peers. A transformed man who interacts with his preserved peers can easily backslide. We, therefore, need to transform their peers, families and communities, too.

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