The Sh1 million daughter: When bride price betrays gender equality
Modern bride price demands, like the fathers requesting Sh1 million for their educated daughters, contradict our fight for women's empowerment.
What you need to know:
- Modern bride price demands contradict our fight for women's empowerment.
- What was once a meaningful cultural practice has become a transaction that commodifies women's education and creates barriers to marriage.
- To truly advance gender equity, we must reimagine bride price as a symbolic gesture rather than a financial burden that prevents young couples from building lives together.
At an International Women's Day event last week, I spoke with a young woman who was inspired by my presentation. We discussed career, education, and life in general, and when I mentioned having my first child in my early 20s, she expressed envy.
Later, my mid-30s friend tearfully shared how her fiancé's family was turned away by her father, who demanded Sh1 million as bride price for his 'university-educated' daughter. He claimed this amount represented her worth after his sacrifices for her education. My friend told me she had always wished to have children within the sanctity of marriage before turning 35 and then focus on her career, but her father's stance now made this cherished dream unattainable.
This conversation has haunted me all week. As we marked International Women's Day under the theme "Accelerate Action," I couldn't help but reflect on how certain cultural practices, once meaningful, now contradict our progress toward gender equality.
When our ancestors established the practice of reverse dowry, it served beautiful, practical purposes. It wasn't a price tag on a woman's worth but a symbol of appreciation to her family.
It cemented bonds between families, demonstrated a man's ability to provide, and showed respect for the bride's upbringing. The gifts exchanged—livestock, handcrafted items, or traditional brew — were reasonable tokens within reach of most young men.
But what was our ancestors' ultimate goal? To build stable families and ensure young couples could begin their lives together with community support. The practice succeeded because it was proportionate to people's means and aligned with communal values.
Commodifies women
Today, 30 years after the Beijing Platform for Action outlined comprehensive commitments to women's rights and empowerment, we face a contradiction. We celebrate women's education and economic independence while putting price tags on them that monetise their achievements in ways that create new barriers to marriage.
The modern reality is this: Both our daughters and sons struggle through university. Both work hard to establish careers in a challenging economy. Both contribute financially to their new households. When parents demand millions in bride price "because she is a graduate," they fail to recognise that the 30-year-old man standing before them is also a graduate whose parents made similar sacrifices.
More importantly, these demands undermine the empowerment we claim to champion. If we truly value our daughters' education as a tool for their independence, why treat it as an investment that must be recouped through marriage? This commodifies women in new ways, contradicting everything we fight for as gender advocates.
The consequences of excessive bride price extend far beyond delayed marriages. For women whose husbands paid hefty sums, the transaction often follows them into the marriage itself. "I bought you" remains a commonplace phrase during arguments, wielded like a weapon when conflicts arise. These men, having paid what they consider a steep "purchase price," believe this entitles them to treat their wives as property rather than partners. What began as a cultural gesture of respect transforms into a justification for control, manipulation, and even abuse.
I have watched talented young men postpone marriage indefinitely because meeting these financial demands would mean starting married life in crippling debt. Others abandon the institution altogether. And what happens to our daughters who are keen on marriage then? Their partnerships exist in prolonged limbo, or they miss opportunities for companionship with compatible partners.
To truly "accelerate action" towards gender equality as envisioned in this year's International Women's Day theme, we must reimagine cultural practices in ways that honour tradition while embracing progress. Reverse dowry should return to its symbolic roots—a meaningful token of appreciation rather than a transaction.
This doesn't mean abandoning our cultural heritage. The ceremonial aspects of bride price remain beautiful—the coming together of families, the ritualised negotiations that build relationships, the shared meals and stories. These can continue without the excessive financial burden.
As parents, let us ask ourselves: What matters more — collecting a windfall from our daughter's marriage, or seeing her build a stable, loving partnership? Are we willing to sacrifice her happiness for financial gain? And have we considered that by demanding unreasonable sums, we may be denying ourselves the joy of grandchildren and extended family?
Parents should honour the spirit of bride price rather than its monetised form. Let us create pathways to marriage that recognise both our cultural heritage and our modern realities. Our daughters' education wasn't an investment to be recouped—it was a gift to help them build meaningful lives. Let them do so without unnecessary obstacles.
The true value of our daughters cannot be measured in shillings. Let's not pretend it can.