In a marriage with a messy person, order clashes with the acceptance of chaos.
When two people begin falling in love with each other, they feel invincible. They dreamily plan a future together and their hearts swell with anticipation at the thought of waking up next to each other every day. They never, in their wildest thoughts, imagine loathing the very existence of each other.
On the brink of happily-ever-after, the woman sees this man as a choice gift from heaven. The man pinches himself to ascertain he isn’t trapped in fantasy but is indeed dating this magical woman. Logic and common sense—such as the reality of human flaws—are thrown out of the window.
Then they get married. A measly three months in, the woman is slapped with the reality of the messy man she settled for.
Her eyes roam helplessly across their bedroom—more like a pigsty—with dirty clothes strewn all over by the nonchalant stranger sprawled on the bed scrolling through his phone.
Sigh.
Or they get married. The man comes home one evening and dashes to the kitchen to hug his young bride only to be met with a scruffy stranger still in her pyjamas leaning over the kitchen sink that resembles a crime scene.
Double sigh.
This is the sad reality of many couples who marry a messy person. In these marriages, the quest for order clashes with the acceptance of chaos. This battle is further compounded by the fact that such people tend to be set in their ways.
It becomes impossible to teach the old dog new tricks. The tidy partner resigns to the fate of cleaning up after their partner. And vent, when the opportunity arises.
In an anonymous letter addressed to their spouses, three people paint the picture of what it is like living with a messy partner.
*ROSE (50)
My dear husband, when will you stop treating me like your maid? We have been married for 15 years and you still expect me to pick after you. Do you know how much it drives me crazy to find your dirty socks all over the corridor?
That aside, we have talked about you leaving used handkerchiefs on the coffee table. Surely, that is just disgusting.
When I go to do the laundry, I have to undo the buttons of your clothes which are always inside out. Would it be so hard to unbutton your shirts before placing them in the laundry basket? I don’t think so.
The funny thing is, despite giving me double work in cleaning up after you, you readily offer unsolicited assistance in the kitchen. Why crowd my space when I am cooking? You hover over me, telling me how much salt to use, where to place the plates and which cooking pans to use. My husband, where is this initiative and helpfulness when it comes to keeping our floors clean? Or removing dirty handkerchiefs from the table?
Sure, sometimes you offer to do the laundry…then end up mixing the whites with the coloureds!
My husband, these messy traits have affected our relationship. Over time, I came to accept the untidiness for the sake of my peace of mind. I wish you would make an effort to change, especially since we have talked about this issue several times. It would work wonders for our marriage.
*MERCY (22)
Dear ex-husband, your messy nature was one of the main reasons I left. I couldn’t stand the chaos. Do you know how draining it is to keep tidying up after a grown man?
All those fights we had about cleanliness finally got to me. I still wonder, was it so hard to be tidy and clean? I shudder when I recall how you would spend the day on the farm tilling then come home and straight to bed with your muddy feet and sweaty clothes. Eish!
When I asked you about it, you were quick to respond, “I am tired.” Sometimes you could come into the living room and hop from one seat to the other leaving a trail of mud. I kept quiet but inside me, I was boiling with rage.
My breaking point was when you started skipping showers and I had to force you to bathe. I started withdrawing and spending more time with the children just to avoid interacting with you.
We had prolonged episodes of silent treatment as you continued being dirty and arrogant about it. At one point, I lost the motivation to keep our home clean and just embraced the chaos. Our house was unkempt and it made me miserable.
I didn’t know how to help you change for the better. I didn’t know how to build resilience and keep order in our home. I grew to loathe you, and eventually, our relationship broke beyond repair.
*STEPHEN (30)
Honey, I know we have different ways of organising things around the house, and I genuinely appreciate everything you do.
I’m a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to keeping things neat and you knew that right from the start.
There are a few specific things that bother me. For instance, the way you pile up dishes in the sink makes me feel like the kitchen is out of control. I know it’s a small thing, but seeing the sink clear just makes the whole room feel cleaner and more welcoming. Similarly, clothes left on the floor or draped over furniture can make the bedroom or living room quite chaotic. I know life gets busy, but having a designated place for dirty laundry would help. Get us a laundry basket and use it.
Another thing that gets to me is papers and mail scattered around the living room. I feel like I’m constantly moving things around to find a clean surface, and it can be frustrating. Having a system for dealing with mail and paperwork might help us keep that clutter under control.
Last but not least, unmade beds stress me out. I don’t want to come across as critical or nagging, but I wanted to share how these things affect me. I think if we could find a way to meet in the middle, it would help reduce some of the stress and make our home feel even more comfortable for both of us.
Maybe we could set aside a little time each day or week to tidy up together. I value our home and our time together, and I want it to be a place where we both feel relaxed and happy. I know this isn’t an easy conversation, but I believe we can find a solution that works for us.
Rose Mbae is a Certified Counselling psychologist and founder of Firmnest Hub.
ROSE MBAE,Certified counselling psychologist and founder of Firmnest Hub
“When we talk about messy or perfectionist spouses, I lean more towards the idea that we are drawn to something unique in others that resonates with us.
This intrinsic attraction is based on characteristics we admire or connect with. We are unlikely to get attracted to something we entirely dislike. Instead, it is the similarity or something familiar that draws us closer to someone. However, when we start living with that person, we inevitably discover their “thorns”—traits we may not like.
Is it fair to label someone as messy or a perfectionist just because their true colours are revealed once you live together? I believe we need to evaluate what we mean by these labels and consider the role of character. Character shapes behaviour, influenced by culture, norms, environment, and experiences.
Consider a man raised in a village where household chores are seen as women’s work. If this man grows up with this mindset, he may expect his spouse to clean up after him. On the other hand, someone raised to value order and cleanliness will have different expectations. When these two characters meet, clashes are inevitable.
In relationships, you might be drawn to a person’s outer beauty or their public persona, only to discover their true habits once you live together. This revelation of personality can be challenging. Therefore, I advise against forgetting why you were initially attracted to your partner. I also believe that a perfectionist, for instance, can attract someone who doesn’t share the same meticulous tendencies, leading to conflicts.
Perfectionists, characterized by their need for order, can become moody, angry, and overworked due to their high expectations. I challenge perfectionists to allow for some messiness, understanding that their idea of “the right way” may not be universal. They must learn to communicate their dissatisfaction without hurting their partner’s feelings.
Messy individuals, in contrast, are spontaneous and prioritise happiness over order. To navigate these differences in marriage, I suggest focusing on what initially attracted you to your partner. This helps in accommodating them without taking things personally.
Remember, you cannot change a person’s personality. Therefore, it is crucial to develop skills to handle the “thorns”—those traits you find challenging. Effective communication and open conversations are key. Accepting that no one is perfect and learning to live with your partner’s imperfections will foster a healthier relationship.
In conclusion, remember that behind every rose flower, there are thorns. Learn to handle the thorns without using them against your partner. This approach will help you build a lasting and loving relationship.
*Names have been changed to hide identity
