What if Kenyan men were EPL football teams...
The Reds types of guys will give you constant heart attacks and scares by the way they drop the ball.
Gentlemen who love the beautiful game, don't come for me. Please. Heck, this is just banter.
Plus, I've also caught some strays, straight out of my own smoking barrel. We're good? And good sports, too? Great. Let's do this.
The Liverpool type
Girls beware. The Reds types of guys will give you constant heart attacks and scares by the way they drop the ball. One minute, they are on the verge of proposing. And the next minute, they almost bottle it. Then, before you can recover, they pick up from where they left, and take you on a dizzying high.
For your birthday gift, this guy can make you choose a car, with all the specs you desire. He'll put a down-payment for it and get you all fired up. But don't pop the champagne. Not just yet. You can only count that gift as signed, sealed and delivered when you have the logbook in your purse.
The Arsenal type
A Gunner is the type of guy who'll keep you waiting for a good thing or a big break, until kingdom come. He's always like: “Next Valentine's, baby. I swear.” Or, “Next anniversary, sweetheart.”
The good thing about Gunners is they are eternal optimists. This type of man isn't pulling a girl's leg when he gives her outlandish “next time” promises. He's serious. Dead serious. It's just that, next season after next season, circumstances conspire against the poor dude till folks think he is delusional.
The Manchester City type
Cityzens are nouveau riche type of cats. They have just come into big money, and they will let everyone know through outrageous shopping sprees.
A Cityzen is not ashamed to buy trophies … and trophy wives. Sometimes, although he knows he's walking a tightrope, he will break financial rules to win a girl's heart. But in this game it's a thin line between cracking the cheat code and outright cheating.
The Manchester United type
This man's nickname is “Les Diables Rouges”, which is translated to “The Red Devils”. But don't let that nickname fool you. Why, all the form, fire and fight has gone from this daredevil. He's a pale shadow of his former swashbuckling self.
This type of man is still haunted by his glory days. Which is why he has a high turnover of partners, as he is trying to replicate the good old glory days when he ruled the roost with reckless abandon.
The Tottenham Hotspurs type
If blowing lukewarm and cold was a man, it would be Spurs. Though they get their name from an English knight, Sir Henry Percy, they go about their business like pawns. Which means they are expendable.
Don't get it twisted, though. This man has flashes of brilliance and excellence. However, he lacks ambition. He's been known to frustrate partners with his lacklustre existence, which, unfortunately, he seems to have resigned to.
The Newcastle type
“The Magpies” are a contradiction of sorts. Legend has it that two magpies would frequent the northern stand of St. James's Park.
“What for?” you may ask.
“To bring the football club luck.”
Here's the contradiction. Though this type of man ticks almost all boxes, luck has, unfortunately, not been a lady to him.
He is the 69 kind of guy. What I mean is, this type of guy will make you wait for a whopping 69 years to give you an orgasmic experience. But, trust me, when it's all said and done, it will be worth the ride.
What's better, The Magpies are good sports. Just like their club colours - black and white - they are simple and straightforward.