Has Covid-19 interrupted coitus?

Couple face to face in intimate pose. Photo/FILE

What you need to know:

  • Intimacy in different households has not been the same since the onset of Covid-19.
  • Sex is used by men to resolve conflicts.
  • No one was wired to stay with one person.

It is no secret that Covid-19 has changed the dynamics of our relationships, and most of us are now looking at them through a different pair of lenses. Underemployment and unemployment have seen many people either stay at home or work from home. This means that most couples are confined in the same space 24 hours, which has either brought them closer or caused them to drift further apart. Without a doubt, there's been a paradigm shift. Intimacy in different households has not been the same since the onset of Covid-19 and every family has a different story to tell.

New normal for couples

Raymond Mwaura, a family and trauma therapist, attests to the fact that couples need to come up with a new normal, as what worked for them in the past might not work during and after this pandemic. "We need to re-think our sex life and nurture each other," he says. "Initially, when the lockdown was enforced and staying home was unavoidable, couples enjoyed a lot of good sex.   It was most importantly consistent and it was all fun until businesses started shutting down, which was accompanied by job losses. As a result, families were faced with unpaid bills, rent arrears and anxiety set in, which lowers one’s libido," explains the therapist.

Mwaura's sentiments are echoed by Jack*, not his real name, who has been married for the last seven years. "I have found myself working from home with my wife and children. Initially it was fun as I enjoyed a well-deserved break but now I'm feeling suffocated," laments Jack.

Heart has not grown fonder

Today, he is struggling to put food on the table for his family, and he says sex is the last thing on his mind. On the flip side, he swears that absence does make the heart grow fonder. "When we were both working and met in the evening after work, there was the excitement to see my wife and we could even flirt in the course of the day," he continues. Today he confesses, all that is in the past and it feels like they are two siblings sharing a house struggling to make ends meet with a dead sex life to boot. "Sex is used by men to resolve conflicts and often at times, a man will get physical to communicate to his loved one that the conflict is over," explains Mwaura. "It's almost like a magic wand, which is used to repair and mend a relationship in addition to strengthening the bond," he adds. “People are social beings and want to find solace in love but without money it might mean no sex in most instances, which could lead to aggression,” he further narrates.

Magic wand

In his line of duty, Mwaura has encountered many couples whose relationships have been affected by the pandemic. "In instances where couples work away from each other, sex has to be delayed and suspicion sets in when the partner who has been away, in most cases the man, comes home during a work break," he narrates. "Sometimes the partner is quarantined, which only prolongs the sexual need and since Covid 19 is a respiratory infection, it might mean no kissing or hugging for the couple, hence laying down a strain on the relationship," he further explains.

New phenomenon

Staying at home has also brought new challenges to couples who were not used to being confined in the same space for many hours. But how does he explain the new phenomenon, whereby a large number of men are spending time in their cars at various parking spots, instead of being in the house with their families? "In an African setting, growing up, boys were socialised to be out in the fields either grazing or playing with their age-mates while girls were brought up and sold the narrative that they should be indoors helping with house-hold chores," explains Mwaura. It is like an escape route, he says. "Men were not created to be domesticated. They easily get disoriented, especially now that they are not surrounded by girls like they did in the office. He might not necessarily be cheating but he just enjoys the company of other women but now he is stuck with one woman, his wife at home," says Mwaura. His wife cannot effectively play the role of being the receptionist he's used to at work and be a wife and mother to his kids at the same time, as she is also tired and bored, he notes. "No one was wired to stay with one person and we are all generally looking for friends to fill that social need."

It is important to note that some sexual needs cannot be quenched when others have sex phobias. However, to rise above this pandemic as a couple, a family should establish where they are at in their family life cycle and craft how to live around each other.

"Some problems can never be resolved like personality differences but some like money issues and sex can. Work on what you can as a couple as you evaluate the reason for the relationship," advises Mwaura.