Women share why the first year of their marriage was the hardest

Behind the pomp and glamour of a wedding day or the moment that you and your partner decide "let's do this" a new life starts. Married life. 

For many women, the first year of marriage is the hardest. But, in a society where partners have lived together for weeks, sometimes months before they are married, does it make a difference when they exchange rings? It does. 

A Texas study looked at 156 couples who were first married in 1981 and discovered that after 13 years, 32 were unhappily married, 56 had divorced and 68 were happily married. According to the couples who divorced within their first two years of marriage, disillusionment and negativity towards each other had started a few months after they had started living together. 

Three women share why their first year of marriage was the hardest and the lessons you can borrow from their experiences. 

"I was afraid of being abandoned"

Rosemary Wangechi, media consultant

Years married: 13years

"We had dated for three years when we got married. I would say that there were many social expectations and "firsts" for me because I had been brought up in a single-family setting by my mother. As such, I did not know how a man should be treated as a husband so for me it was guesswork. He was supportive but I was too demanding and I had all sorts of insecurities like being abandoned just like my father had done. I loved my spouse with my every breath so being heartbroken was a constant fear. 

Further, there were huge financial obligations especially because we started from scratch so we could disagree on many issues. Balancing between work, school and a husband was also a tall order for me not to mention that I got pregnant within my first year of marriage.

Getting to know his family and friends better while trying to fit in and being too careful not to ruin relations was real pressure. 

Looking back, I realise that having a man who understands your fears and insecurities is important. It helps calm the situation. If he didn't understand me, I probably would have called it quits in the first month. Lastly, agreeing on the financial responsibilities is key at the beginning of each marriage so that you both work towards the priorities."

"I had very high expectations"

Agnes Gakara, Online Marketer

Years Married: 12 years

"When I got married, I was young and had lots of expectations. I was disappointed when my husband would act, behave or treat me differently from what I expected. 

Also, understanding his personality and adjusting to being submissive was difficult. I was the kind who did not want to be told what to do or carry myself. I still wanted to behave like a single woman.

I soon realised that the practicalities of married life are different from dating life. You have to readjust yourself and know how to deal with both your families, money, friends, education and life goals. 

I had a very difficult time letting go of friends who were still single and I thought that they were having the best time in their lives whereas I had a baby and a husband to take care of.

Along the way, I have learnt that being submissive to my partner does not mean that I am being taken for granted it is two-way traffic- he loves you right and you find yourself submitting and respecting him. My advice to my younger self is to lower my expectations and adjust, even if it will be gradual, to the new life. One important thing that I wish I knew back then is how to take care of myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. You will have it easy if you accept that you are now married and only entertain positive vibes."

"I pretended a lot"

Caroline Wangui, Actress

Years Married: Four years

"When we got married after dating for three years, I had many adjustments to make. 

This includes his preferences, habits, and lifestyle. We had not lived together before so it was like starting a new life with a new person. The thing with dating is that you are with a person for a few hours but when you get married, it's almost all the time.

In retrospect, there was a lot of pretense during that year. You know, pretending to be who you are not to make the other party happy therefore living a lie. Communication was also a problem because it is like I was listening to make a rebuttal not to understand my partner or reason things out. 

I have since learned to listen to him, understand where he is coming from, and accommodate him. We are now very happy together." 

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