When pleasure is stalled

Many women lack orgasm, a condition known as anorgasmia. PHOTO | FOTOSEARCH

What you need to know:

  • Many women lack orgasm, a condition known as anorgasmia.
  • Primary anorgasmia can result from traumatic experiences early in life, e.g. sexual molestation or psychological numbing of sexual feelings in the course of growing up such as when anti-sex messages are continuously pumped into a person.
  • Secondary anorgasmia results from relationship problems. If you have been getting an orgasm with a partner then you can’t, it could be because your relationship is on the rocks.

Rose, a 35-year-old mother of two who had been married for eight years, came to the sexology clinic because she had been chasing that elusive orgasm for years without success.

She went around asking her friends what how it felt like and got all manner of answers. She finally landed in my office seeking solid answers.

“So tell me good doctor, why am I not like other women?” she asked me. “It depresses me that I cannot enjoy sex like other women do.”

TABOO TOPIC

Her husband did not know about her problem. She was afraid that discussing it with him would destabilise their marriage. But then she spent many nights awake, asking God why she had to face such a life.

My first duty was to explain to Rose what orgasm is. You see, at the peak of a sexual act, there is an uncontrolled reflex involving the brain and many muscles of the body. That brief moment is spontaneous and overwhelmingly pleasurable. It is followed by relaxation, satisfaction and waning of sexual pleasure.

Many women lack orgasm. This condition is called anorgasmia. There are two types of anorgasmia: primary and secondary.

Primary anorgasmia refers to a state where a lady has never had an orgasm. Secondary anorgasmia is where one has had them at one point or another, but stopped thereafter.

There are many causes of anorgasmia. Primary anorgasmia can result from traumatic experiences early in life, e.g. sexual molestation.

In many cases, it is the result of psychological numbing of sexual feelings in the course of growing up when anti-sex messages are continuously pumped into a person. This makes sex to be perceived subconsciously as dirty, dangerous, undesirable, and sinful. People who are brought up in this way will not relax and enjoy sex.

Secondary anorgasmia results from relationship problems. If you have been getting an orgasm with a partner then you can’t, it could be because your relationship is on the rocks. It could also be that you do not trust each other anymore, or that you fear being infected or made pregnant.

ENJOYING SEX

Sometimes orgasm fails when a couple is suffering power struggles between the man and woman. This may lead to a situation where one partner feels overpowered by the other and instead of enjoying sex, subconsciously gives in, as happens in rape.

In other words, the relationship may be unsatisfactory but the couple may not have faced it to resolve any outstanding issues. Sex becomes a duty rather than an experience to be enjoyed under such circumstances. Orgasm fails to happen.

In a few cases, anorgasmia could be due to a disease or some medicine one is taking. Derangement of sex hormones, for example testosterone or prolactin, can kill sexual urge and pleasure, and result in anorgasmia.

After interrogating Rose, examining her and doing a number of tests, the diagnosis boiled down to sexual conservatism. Rose grew up in a strict traditional family where sex was not a subject for discussion. Women were also considered subordinate to men.

Rose was taught that a good woman should never appear like she enjoys sex. She therefore subconsciously suppressed sexual feelings and in fact felt guilty when she felt sexual pleasure. She had never relaxed during sex to receive the full pleasure.

With quite a guarded worldview of sex, Rose was incapable of letting go and enjoying herself. She knew little about her body and erotic areas. She offered herself to her husband to have his fun.

Were it not for the chit chat that she had with her friends, she would not have discovered that there was something amiss.

Rose underwent therapy and coaching. As usual, these are time consuming treatments that require a lot of patience and cooperation. Three months later, she experienced her maiden orgasm.