Stephen Mwangi with his son Mutugi

Stephen Mwangi with his son Mutugi. 

| Pool

What being a stepfather has taught me about love

What you need to know:

  • Children with outstanding stepfathers perform better in school, enjoy healthier relationships with their peers, and are less likely to suffer from depression than those with no father figure at all
  • But while biological fathers are recognised, stepparents don't get the attention they deserve

The role of fatherhood comes without a script and it can be a heavy mantle to carry. Yet, fathers play a very important role in a child's life and society. 

But while biological fathers are recognised, stepparents don't get the media attention they deserve. Like the evil stepmother narrative, the script is no better for stepdads. But with blended families becoming increasingly common in Kenya it’s time that we recognised the role of step-parents in children's lives.  Indeed, studies have shown that hero stepfathers can—and do—make massive differences in their stepchildren's lives.

Research shows that children who grow up with engaged stepdads enjoy many of the same advantages—known collectively as Father Effects—as those raised by biological fathers. 

Children with outstanding stepfathers perform better in school, enjoy healthier relationships with their peers, and are less likely to suffer from depression than children who grow up in single-parent homes. But, while stepparents offer stability similar to that of biological parents, their challenges are unique.

Sometimes, the biggest challenge is in the same children you are supposed to father. They might reject, ignore, feel uncomfortable, or shy around you and it can be hard to cope.

Further, on days like tomorrow, which is on father's day, most stepfathers are side-lined and rarely applauded for the important role they play. 

Three stepdads talk to us about acceptance and fatherhood.

We cultivated common interests

Stephen Gitau Mwangi, from Nakuru, got married in 2017. 

Then, he was a widower with four children. He is a stepfather to a 21-year-old son, Parsely 

Stephen Mwangi and Parsley Mutugi

Stephen Mwangi and Parsley Mutugi.

Photo credit: Pool

"A few weeks ago, my stepson Parsely Mugi and I were watching a football match and cheering on Manchester United. This is our best pastime together. We get angry with players, scoff at the referee, and high five when we win. 

I enjoy watching soccer with him because it means more than just a game to us. It is partly what helped us to connect and bond.

In 2017, his mother and I decided to get married. We both shared history in that I was a widower with four children and her, a mother of one. Then, Parsely was 16.

For people like us to come together, the greatest challenge is children.

"Will they accept me as their father and if I am getting into the relationship with my children, will they be amiable to each other?" It is a gamble.

My stepson's biological father passed on when he was two so for most of his life, my wife brought him up single-handedly. When I got into the picture, I'll be honest that it was a difficult start because he was not used to the authority of a father figure.

On my end, it also meant that I had to be very careful when imposing discipline as it is easy to be taken out of context and you risk being misquoted. Other times, correcting the child might be coined to look like prejudice.

In the early days of our relationship, he could not even call me father. Granted, he had become used to not calling anyone by that name. Instead of imposing it on him, I focused on bringing him closer by doing "boys' stuff". It took a while but with the cultivation of friendship and an often reminder from his mother that I was now part of his life, he finally called me "dad." I do not remember the events that preceded this moment but the name has stuck since. I also came to learn that he was yearning for the company of a father figure and had been compelling his mother to get married, that is, "if she finds the right person".

We have an amazing relationship and spend time either watching soccer or driving around the neighbourhood. I teach him about the role of a father, family, and identity. Without a father figure, such children may lack self–identity.

In return, he has taught me many lessons on fatherhood. It is all about responsibility. You might be the biological father to a particular child but if you are absent, how can you claim to be responsible?

These are the same lessons that I pass down to him. I want him to know that I will be there for him always."

I learnt the power of love

Immanuel Oscar Omondi, 45, from Kericho married in 2006. He is a stepfather to a 22-year-old daughter, Delvin. The couple has three more children.

Immanuel Oscar Omondi, Delvin Monyangi Omondi. 

Immanuel Oscar Omondi with his daughter Delvin Monyangi Omondi. 

Photo credit: Pool

"Sometime last year, one of our friends confided in us that my stepdaughter, Delvin Monyangi Omondi had traced her biological father and they were in communication.

Even though we had noted some changes in her behaviour and that she suddenly had a lot of money to splash, our first reaction was disbelief and shock.

Her father had been out of the picture for more than a decade and both my wife and her family had written him off. However, what bothered us the most is the fact that we are a tight-knit family so we felt that if she wanted to know the identity and whereabouts of her father, the search should have started right at home by asking her mother.

Her mother and I got married in December 2006 and since then, I have assumed the responsibility of a father. 

"I have been a part of most of her life, struggled with her during the various phases of life, where does this leave me?" this is one of the questions that kept running through my mind after discovering that she had reconnected with her father. 

When I prayed to God for a partner, I asked for a God-fearing wife and one who is an orphan just like myself. I didn't say that I didn't want one with a child or I wasn't ready to step up to the role of fatherhood should I meet a single mother.

When I went to my wife's home, I was asked multiple times whether I was taking her and the child and I wholeheartedly agreed to it. There are many stories of women who get married and their partners demand that they leave their children behind with other relatives. I didn't want that for Delvin. She and her mother have a strong bond that I didn't want to break and I was ready to be a father. By the time we were getting married, I was 30 and my wife had turned 26. Besides her, we have three more children.

When she reconnected with her father,  I had all these overriding emotions and I sought help from the church. I am an associate pastor so I went to my senior pastor and she encouraged and reminded me that what matters is that I had played my role diligently and it was not uncommon for my daughter to get curious as to who her real father is.

Later, she came out and confessed that she was remorseful and had indeed been curious and did not do out of spite for me.

We had a sit-down and resolved the issue. Overall, I have had a great relationship with Delvine. We call each other when in need of assistance whether financial or emotional and she doesn't have to go through her mother to ask me for anything. 

I have influenced her, especially on my love for ironing, cooking, and orderliness. Through her, I have learnt about the power of love and that I don't live for myself but for others. She says that she has also learned much from me especially on matters of spirituality.

I want her to know that I love her, want the best for her and I will always desire the best for her."

I took responsibility for mother and child 

Samson Mutahi, 56, is stepfather to a daughter, Faith. Samson and his wife Margaret Cherotich have one child together

Samson Mutahi, Margaret Cherotich, Faith Cheruto

Samson Mutahi, his wife Margaret Cherotich, and his stepdaughter Faith Cheruto. 

Photo credit: Pool

"In Kikuyu culture, we have a phrase that says "when you like a cow, you have to like its rope too." In relationships, it means that if you fall in love with a single mother and accept to marry her, you have to take in the responsibility of her children as well. 

I was 38 when I settled down in marriage. Before that, I was asked many questions about "When are you settling down or can we help?" 

I declined the unsolicited advice. My wife had two children when I married her. Unfortunately, one of them, a boy, passed on. Faith was in standard two when we got married.

Faith and I bonded easily and quickly partly because she was young and having been present at the wedding, she saw what was happening and her mother often reminded her that I was the father. To add, the fact that her biological father was not in the picture made it easy for her to call me "father". I imagine that if he were present, at such an age, she would have been confused on who to accord the title.

When I talk to some men who wish to settle down with a woman already with children, one of their greatest concerns is the people around them. Some tell them how they are making a mistake getting into such a relationship while others try to distract them. But at the end of the day, the decision is solely on you.

In my case, I did not face this. I had made it clear to my family and friends that I am the one who'd have the last say on my partner of choice. To date, nobody has ever asked about it and nobody can determine that I am not Faith's biological father. One thing that works in our favour is that I am very close to my wife and we maintain some boundaries.

To add, it also comes down to how I treat her--from standard two to the university-- I would ask that she writes for me a list of what she wanted and I would shop for her. She knows that she doesn't have to necessarily go through her mother when she wants something. From the start, this is the openness I wanted to encourage so that when I discipline or correct her, she knows that it's coming from a place of love. 

For instance, two years ago, she approached me with the intent to move out of home but I declined because I knew that she was doing it out of pressure from her friends and partly because her workplace is near our home. Since then, she has not raised the subject again.

Looking back, there's no particular challenge that I can point out that I have faced when raising her. We have another child and I treat the two without bias. Faith is now in her 30s and we help each other a lot whether financially or emotionally.

Playing the role of a stepfather has taught me the essence of responsibility and that one has to take his place as the man of the house. To be accepted by your stepchildren, you need to prepare psychologically— give them space if they need it and work hard towards building a friendship with them."