Spreading the cheer with tasty Bastard Baker treats

The Bastard Baker treats. PHOTO | MADAME CONNOISSUESE

What you need to know:

  • My package was delivered at my door on time, and words cannot express the joy that unboxing those pastries brought us in the house.
  • We were instructed to eat the ultra-soft brioche donuts immediately, and we obliged, relishing every single bite.
  • The salted caramel brownies were mind bending: a rich chocolate mouthful punctuated by a generous pop of perfectly gooey salted caramel.

Spirits were starting to get low in the house at the beginning of the month when it seemed like the current status quo of having nowhere to go would prevail for another 30 days. To cheer everyone up, I decided to find the sappiest romance movie I could muster (I’m talking The Notebook level sappy”) and get something delicious to eat so we could cry about a sickly sweet story while stuffing our bodies with food. With our movie for that night selected, I was poking around online when I came across The Bastard Baker.

Quite a bold name for a bakery, and whether you’re offended or amused by it, you will certainly never forget it. Among all the drool-worthy photos of melted, gooey and glazed-to-a-shine pastries, I found the message “In this day of gluten free, vegan, paleo, primal, atkins blah blah blah, isn’t it refreshing to have another option? We are that option. We are BASTARD. Come join us”.

It’s like that’s the final leap I needed to face-dive into an assorted box of their pastries, as suggested by the baker, and this was the exact order: raised and glazed vanilla donuts, mini monsta cookies, PAB cookies, salted caramel brownies, gooey and milky way brownies. Quite the selection, but also, it was movie night and their website told me to do away with guilt-free eating and focus on being happy, and these pastries would bring me happiness that evening; and that’s all that mattered at that moment.

My package was delivered at my door on time, and words cannot express the joy that unboxing those pastries brought us in the house. We were instructed to eat the ultra-soft brioche donuts immediately, and we obliged, relishing every single bite. The salted caramel brownies were mind bending: a rich chocolate mouthful punctuated by a generous pop of perfectly gooey salted caramel.

The smack of milk and sugar and contrast of crunch and chewiness in the texture of the PAB was just right, a thin, flat white chocolate chip cookie which also has a surprising salty finish to it. Mini Monsta turned out to be exactly what you hope for when you order a cookie called Mini Monsta, right down to the crunchy exterior, the chocolate chip and their puffed body. For an idea of The Bastard Baker’s pricing, you can either get a box of 20 Mini Monstas or five Da Monsta (the gigantic versions) for about Sh2,000.

There were leftover brownies which I kept in the fridge and they went a little hard the next day which I actually liked, although the baker’s instruction had been to store them at room temperature in an airtight container.

For those with a serious sweet tooth, this bakery is worth checking out; their pastries will bring some cheer in this period, and they work great for a family bonding session. You can order from them online on www.thebastardbaker.co.ke or Tel: 0768 188387. They’re also stocked at Zucchini, Spring Valley Coffee, The Wine Shop and The German School Nairobi.

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