Spare me the fancy online messages on Women’s Day

With March comes spring and multiple sclerosis awareness month, if you live in the Americas and such like parts. For us here, with March comes the end of Q1, when people are about to start panicking about their taxes and missed resolutions; it also the month when we mark the International Women’s Day.

There’s going to be something you’re going to notice on social media. It happens every year, like clockwork. All of a sudden there’ll be millions of men proclaiming love for the women in their lives. Their mothers. Their daughters. Their hardworking and long-suffering wives. It’s an interesting spectacle to watch, especially because most of these is just empty rhetoric. They just want a Facebook post to keep up with the trends and look like they value women in their lives.

How can I say this with such certainty? Other than the fact that there is no social media wave of continued love after the one day, all you have to do is look around to see that there are barely any men out there championing women’s rights or celebrating their achievements.

On Twitter, toxic masculinists foam at the mouth proclaiming Amerix their lord and saviour, even when he says foolish things about what matching clothes mean in a relationship. Even if this guy is doing it for clout, a lot of people actually believe him when he insists that only high-quality women stay at home and mother their children. As if men could ever be responsible for determining quality in a woman. It’s laughable. Pro tip: before you date a man, check who he follows and agrees with on Twitter, just for context on who you’re going to be dealing with. Don’t be surprised if he turns out to be someone you should have blocked years ago.

Still, social media is a useful investigative tool because I have learnt so much about the pay gap. We should use it more often to rally for equivalent pay cheques for similar work done. 

Seems we even have a gap in the orgasm department. Any straight woman knows that the likelihood of her sexual pleasure matching or surpassing her partner’s is nothing but a pipe dream – something the rabid folk on Twitter never seem to want to address. Just to clarify what I am talking about: ‘The orgasm gap, or pleasure gap, is a social phenomenon referring to the general disparity between heterosexual men and women in terms of sexual satisfaction—more specifically, the unequal frequency in achievement of orgasm during sexual encounters.’ Sound familiar? Foreplay in itself is a dying art. Aftercare is a rumour. Pretending that you’re jabbing at a button in a games arcade does nothing for anyone! Multiple studies have been done to find data to support this grievous anomaly, and these studies have directly shown, that men aren’t doing the work, and don’t care to, even if they’ve been shown exactly how to do it. Women are out here faking headaches to get the whole thing over with so that she can watch the latest episode of Crime and Justice - and it’s great!

Listen, International Women’s Day is a wonderful day, and women have made many strides to get to where they are. But since we can’t overthrow parliament, or immediately increase salaries (I mean…technically they could), how about after you send your mother an Mpesa, you ask the woman in your bed what she would like from you in that bed today? That’ll make the day really happy. I guarantee it.