Sometimes you may have to end a close friendship that no longer serves you

I am usually left speechless when I hear of women who have been best friends since they were five or something. “We met in kindergarten,” they will tell you, chuckling, arms around each other. “We have seen each other through everything – 35 years and we’re still going strong!” 

I have since learned that not all friendships will span decades. We evolve as human beings, after all. We shed off the old skin and grow a new one. We shift focus as life dictates. Seasons change. 

The best friend who met your needs when you were a young adult – starting out, discovering yourself – may not meet your needs in your 30s, when you have matured and are settling in.

Some friendships fade off on their own, like a whisper in the wind. For others, you may have to consciously break it off and break up with your girlfriend. Or she may break up with you. 

A breakup may happen if or when:

You are in utterly different seasons in your life

The connection of friendship is deepened when you are both – more or less – in the same season in your life. It is threatened when you are in different episodes because you will neither connect nor support each other in the way you need to.

It may be difficult to connect with your best friend if, say, you are newly married and she is still a single girl. Or she just had her first child and motherhood is the last thing on your mind, and you don’t care about all the baby stuff she drones about.

Maybe she just started on her self-employment journey and you don’t understand why she can no longer finance a lifestyle as you – who are employed – can. Or she has turned a new leaf in her life and has to cut off the influence of old bad habits (like you) to stay the course. 

You no longer feel safe opening up to her

An emotionally safe friendship is one where you can open up your heart without the fear of being ridiculed, shamed, humiliated, or dismissed. 

It doesn’t matter if you are telling her about the ache of missing your late mother or how you had to impulsively buy flats yesterday, because your heels were pinching your feet: she will listen and accommodate your musings. 

If you constantly find yourself filtering your thoughts and redacting your words when you are sharing with her, then it may be an indicator of an emotionally unsafe space. Over time, you will retreat into yourself and shut the doors and windows of your heart and soul. Darkness will engulf the friendship to its end.

She is jealous of your wins

Jealousy is a normal human response. What distinguishes the healthy kind of jealousy from the unhealthy one, is the degree.

A healthy degree of it spurs you to examine yourself within and without, and respond in a manner that inspires your own wins. “Janet has worked so hard and smashed her goal to make partner at her law firm, what goals am I smashing in my career?”

There is the unhealthy dose, this one is tainted with ugliness. “Janet thinks she’s better than us because she made partner. Does she have to make so much noise about it on Instagram?”

Your best friend ought to celebrate your wins with you first, then deal with her insecurities second, on her own. If her response is always selfish, with an unhealthy degree of jealousy, then think twice about keeping her as your bestie.

She no longer shows up

How it works with friendships is that when your girl shows up physically, she is also showing up emotionally. What her presence communicates is, “You can count on me, babe. I am here for you.” 

She will show up for drinks on the weekend or a catch-up lunch, for your person’s birthday party, for you when you are unwell or burying a loved one upcountry. Heck, she will show up at your place on a loose weekend afternoon so you two can do nothing together. 

But if you keep inviting her and she doesn’t show up, then this is not someone you can count on. 

She maligns your name

When you have a best friend you can trust and safely open up to, you will likely tell them things you have never told anyone before. Not even your romantic partner or your siblings. 

Your girl, though, may use your secrets as fodder for harmful gossip in other circles. Maybe in social circles with other women, or with her workmates. Granted, her intentions may have been pure – sharing as a way to connect with other people – but what she inadvertently does is malign your name in the process.

Other times, her intentions may be informed by pure evil: she really may be out to tarnish your reputation. Severe ties if this happens repeatedly.

SIDEBAR: 

FROM THE EXPERT

Ending friendships that no longer work for us is an act of self-love and self-care. Friendships should add to your cup, not deplete it. You want to surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you and leave you feeling great. 

Taking a step back from a friendship that is not bringing out the best in you may give you a chance to reassess it and decide whether it is an interaction you need to have in your life or not. Space is important. It gives you the clarity to assess your life without this person. 

If you are in a friendship that makes you feel depleted after an interaction or makes you second-guess yourself, or if you are happier without this person in your life, you are better off staying away or terminating the friendship altogether. 

Millicent Gathuku. Certified life coach