Should I take care of a child that was hidden from me?

Hello, am 36 years old soldier. I had been in a relationship with a certain lady let's call her Emma for two years, then we had some slight differences which made her stop talking to me and change her number. I then stayed for one year after which I met Jacky whom we started a relationship and decided to marry after eight months. We are blessed with twin sons and a daughter. Four years later, after we broke up with Emma, I recently met her in town with her son, and then crying, she told me "greet your son." I was shocked because the boy looks like my twin sons, apart from their age difference. She told me she was stressed when she fell pregnant and that's why she never told me about it. What should I do? I feel like I should take responsibility for educating her son but I fear this will affect my current marriage. What if my wife discovers? Help me.

Hillary                                 

Hillary, you have no choice but to take responsibility for your son's sired outside wedlock. The law states so. Devise ways of breaking this news to your wife.

Kaggai Thiongo

Since you are married cultivate good communication with your wife. The boy is older than your twins so why fear to explain it to her? It's not your fault the lady went mute. Consider giving the best to your son as he needs you, but keep the boundaries with your ex.

What if she decides to take you to a children 's rights court? Now that she has your contacts be wise. Prepare your wife psychologically for the news. Children are a blessing. He may be our future President. Good luck.

Mercy Baiyenia, Nairobi

Hillary, that's a delicate balance but it is great you are sincere. Look for a way of informing your wife about your last relationship and your son from Emma. Tell her you are ready to support your son in terms of upkeep and education without strings attached. Also, explain to Emma about your current marriage so that she doesn't become a nuisance.

If you hide the story and your wife learns about it later you will invite trouble.

Jeff Chepkwony, Sigor, Chepalungu

I take note of a few things. Have you ever in your life met people who strongly resemble those you know only to realise they are not? Are there possibilities that you can resemble someone when you are not related: Yes, and that is where DNA comes in. If it's true that she was pregnant with your baby, why did she alter her contacts? Has she ever attempted to reach you before?

Resembling your twins doesn't make the boy your biological, only blood tests and examination can prove this. On help, yes you can help without announcing to the whole world including your current spouse. Just play your cards right. But wait for a confirmation from a DNA test.

Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo

Taking up responsibility is not wrong. If that is your son, you need to have a dialogue with your wife. Look for a convenient moment to initiate the conversation.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale

Firstly, the child belongs to both of you and it's therefore unfair to refer to him as "her son" yet you are also responsible. By changing this perspective, you will be able to own the child and feel obliged to support him wholeheartedly.

Secondly, you need to find a way to communicate this to your wife. In a healthy relationship, couples do not keep secrets from each other. After all, the child was conceived well before you met her and therefore she can't accuse you of cheating. It's also not advisable to support the child without her knowledge because you will be living a lie.

Get to know how much it will cost you to educate the boy and share the information with your wife so that you can chart the way forward.

John Wambugu

EXPERT'S TAKE

You need to take action and be part of your son's life. Like all humans, you have a past and you should come clean on it. It is important to tell your wife and for her to understand the circumstances. So far you have not deceived her because you were not even aware but if you attempt to live a double life, the consequences could damage your current bond and trust. It is a straightforward story so however difficult it may seem right now, you owe it to your harmony and future sanity to tell your wife the truth.

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

I have been married for 14 years, and during the last five years, I have been having an affair. I decided to break off the relationship with my side girl and now she is threatening to tell my wife everything unless I pay her a huge sum of money. I don't have the money.

I don't want to tell my wife about the affair because I will lose my marriage and my kids. I had another affair a while back, and my wife gave me a last chance. How do I handle the situation?

Titus

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