She refuses to take a DNA test, yet wants me take care of the baby

While in campus I casually dated a girl who was two years older. She would always nag "When will you take me to your parents?" I wasn’t ready so I didn’t answer. I later realised she would sneak into my phonebook and call my parents and relatives, which made me uncomfortable. The last two semesters to graduation, she communicated daily with at least four men; a policeman, a fellow student, a juakali artisan and I. Unfortunately, she got pregnant and claimed it was mine. I strongly doubted since I had been away on attachment and she had other men. I got stressed. She would even call my relatives informing them that their son had impregnated her and promising to go to our home anticipating marriage. One evening, my parents called informing me that the woman had actually arrived. She traced my roots with the help of our fellow student who is my neighbour. When I asked for DNA tests, she retorted that there’s no need to test since we love each other. Despite my earlier warning, she returned last December and slept at my home for two days. She claimed to have found a job in Nairobi and wanted to leave the child at my parents’. I got angry, travelled home and in full rage told them that she can’t leave the child with us without paternity proof. She was enraged.

Am confused. Please, advise me.

Wycliffe, 26.

READERS ADVICE

From the story, it appears you didn’t have much in common with the lady. You said that you dated her though without disclosing details of how the relationship developed. You have also said you were uncomfortable when she contacted your relatives. The question we may ask is did you set boundaries? There are also issues of trust and you have not disclosed if you discussed about the other relationships she had.

From the look of things, you were not serious in having the relationship and you appear to use the DNA to defend your position on the baby existence. While going for DNA is one way of proof, ask yourself what could happen if you are the father? Will you be ready? That should be the bigger picture. 

Andrew

From the look of things, your baby mama seems to have something she is hiding. Why the hurry to go your family in the fast place? She tried all means to put you in her box. Why doesn't she want you to go for a DNA test if she is sure the baby is yours? You chewed more than you can swallow. Look for ways on how you can get yourself out of this trap.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale

Don’t claim you are confused because you have the information with you. The woman you are dating decided to delude you so that you accept a child that is not yours even after knowing she was dating three other men in her circle. Since you know you are not the father to her child, go ahead, do a DNA test and avoid being controlled by her. This is the only proof you will take to your parents and prove to them that the woman they think you are going to marry cheated on you and got pregnant. You do not have to waste your life with the baggage of emotions and mistrust in the name of trying to have a woman in your life. 

Juma Felix

EXPERT’S TAKE

In my opinion despite all the drama I feel that your core issue which led you down this path of toxicity is that from the onset your compatibility foundation was weak. No relationship should be forced nor established merely because you share a child. The child will most likely be a victim of a dysfunctional union. It is not appropriate for her to assert herself into your extended family without you being the one to introduce her. Snooping around is not a good sign especially regarding your future. That type of issue never ends well. For your own peace of mind, you should confirm paternity not necessarily to stay together but to remove any doubt from your mind. Once it is confirmed that the child is yours then you can make rational decisions on which role you want to play with no confusion.   

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor 

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

My wife had a very difficult pregnancy with our child and ended up having an emergency C section. She was so scared and convinced herself that she was going to die.

Since then, she has completely gone off sex. Our baby is turning 2 and she still has shown no interest in having sex again. I have tried many times and she says no. What should I do and how long should I wait before trying again? Sam

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