Relationships: Yes, secondhand stress is a thing. Here's how to protect yourself

People who can't set boundaries are most at risk. PHOTO| FOTOSEARCH

What you need to know:

  • You need to understand signs of stress in the people around you
  • Be aware when their stress begin rubbing off on you

Family is supposed to be a safe haven, the people you go to when you are overwhelmed and need to de-stress.  For 35-year-old Julie, however, family has been her major source of stress. Her primary family is healthy and functioning, her marriage is warm and strong. Her three older sisters, on the other hand, seem like they got the short end of the stick, relationship wise. Subsequently, they have taken all their frustrations with their men on Julie.

“My older sister is consistently telling me that I behave as if I am better than them because I am in a good relationship and that mine will end eventually. The fights were particularly bad last year even as I struggled with their relationship issues, the pandemic and fear that I could lose my job,” she says.

Perhaps because she hears this negativity all the time and because her sisters are older, Julie has over the months absorbed it.

“I have had heightened anxiety these past few months and I barely get a good night’s sleep. Sometimes I find myself lashing out at my husband and it has strained our relationship. He now thinks I do not respect him,” she says.

Liz Mbende, 33, is one of the few people who were able to get a job during the pandemic six months ago. Initially, she was excited that her interior design degree would finally be put to good use but when she started the job, all it brought her was stress.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the work but my new boss is making my life a living hell,” she says.

Her new boss is an anxious, irritable older woman who prefers to vent her pent up anger on Liz who works in a mid-sized branding company.

“I can tell how my day will be when she walks in through the door in the morning. If things are bad at home, I will pay for it,” she says.

Liz has problems sleeping, low energy levels and recently begun forgetting things on her to-do list. Then she began fighting with her husband over her sluggishness.

“Everything else in my life is perfect, I was happily married, and I have kids I love and a great social network. Everything is okay but for this one woman. Someone might think I am ungrateful but this job is unhealthy for me,” she says. She knows a new job might not be easy to come by but she is looking and trying to work on the stress.

Julie and Liz are just two of the countless Kenyan women who are victims of second hand stress. Unfortunately, like the Corona Virus, stress is contagious. The brain can pick up stress cues from those around us. Women are more susceptible to this kind of stress as they are more attuned to other people’s feelings.


What is a woman to do?


Nairobi based counselling psychologist Danson Thike shares that second hand stress manifests in the same way as regular stress but its effects often have a greater effect as one has no control over the source of the strain. The first step out of it, he says, is for you to be aware and to understand the pressure source.


“You need to understand signs of stress in the people around you and to be aware when these begin rubbing off on you,” he says.


Isolating from the person transferring their stress to you can seem like the easy option but self-awareness and communication is better.


Take a step back from the stress source and make a conscious effort not to mirror their emotions. Also, take better care of yourself- exercise, eat better and strive for better sleep.



Quiz


Are you suffering from second hand stress? Take this quiz to find out. Examine each statement and give the answer that best describes you and how you react to situations.

Scoring Guide

Strongly agree – 4, Agree – 3, Disagree – 2, Strongly disagree – 1


  1. You often suffer from bouts of anxiety
  2. You have not made any major life changes but lately, you feel anxious, low on energy and stressed
  3. You are the person that family and friends come to when they are anxious or stressed because you understand them best
  4. The atmosphere in work place is hurried, everyone seems to be in a frenzy
  5. At your work place, if you are not stressed, it means you are not getting any work done
  6. You have been getting sick more often and catching every bug sweeping through
  7. Your significant other has complained that you are neglecting your needs
  8. You have lashed out at your significant other because you are overwhelmed by something that is going on in a close friend or relative’s life.
  9. You’ve found yourself sleepless, worrying at night over the case of stress in someone else’s life.
  10. Crowded places upset or overwhelm you.


How did you score?

1-10 – Your social skills are wanting. You seem to have little empathy something which no doubt has affected your friendships and relationships.

11-30 – You have found a healthy balance of empathy while being able to separate other people’s stress from your own state of being. This is healthy. Now you need to learn not to pass on your stress to those around you.

31-40 – You are like an emotional sponge. You absorb stress from everyone you are close with. Learn to protect yourself. Put yourself first.