Relationships: Why positive psychology is the buzz word this year

"I have had to move out of my house. We cannot agree on anything with my husband, plus he has become very violent since he lost his job. Even with my business bringing in some cash, he still wasn't happy, if anything his bitterness increased, and his anger was directed at me," explains Mary Mwiko.

Mary, 26, could not control her tears. The business analysis meeting with her investor had become a therapy session for her. Her eyes were glazed with a mist of sadness. Inevitably, a discussion about her business success had turned into one on her marital woes.

Like Mary, many Kenyans have suffered a loss since the start of the pandemic. And we are all dealing with it differently.

How are you tackling the difficulties?

"I lost my husband in September. We were inseparable. Although we were extra careful, he still got infected and after a night at the hospital he passed on. Even though we managed to quickly travel to bury him, the villagers had to watch from afar as we buried him," says Martha Mwashighadi*

"These were the darkest days of my life. I lost my support system and our breadwinner. I really cried after I moved our four children from the company house. I am a mess. I put up a brave face in front of the children since the oldest is only ten but I cry myself to sleep. I am now going through therapy and working towards getting employment to provide for my family," says Martha.

Martha also lost a friend. She says maybe the pain of losing her husband and friend will never go away, but she has to keep living for her children.

Changing to positive

The first month of 2021 is almost done, and we need to stop focusing on the calendar and instead on changing our disposition.

As an alternative to dwelling in the misery, we have endured let's focus on what the period has offered.

"It is easier for us to remember negative things since the human brain is hard-wired to detect danger for our survival. It is, therefore, very important to be careful of how we mitigate these challenges," says Rev. Dr. Sahaya G. Selvam, a catholic priest, psychologist, and chairman of the Positive Psychology Association in Kenya.

A study in psychology known as positive psychology which is working towards helping people move beyond surviving to flourishing directs us to focus on the character strengths and behaviours that allow individuals to build a life of meaning and purpose.

"To deal with situations that we have no control over, we should re-plan our lives. To do so, we need to identify our purpose in life and to train ourselves to look for alternatives to achieving our purpose," says Rev.Dr. Selvam.

"Can you clarify your purpose? Why are you here? If I think there is only one way to achieving my purpose, then I don't know where I am going. Personally, Covid-19 has challenged me to find alternatives," he adds.

Finding purpose

People with a clear purpose in life are happier. Especially when this purpose is achieving something beyond the self, according to the psychologist. An example is given of two undergraduates, where one says their purpose for pursuing a course is to have a job, a car, and own property while the other is seeking to create wheelchairs for disabled people to comfortably navigate rough terrain. The former has a temporary selfish goal that can even be achieved in five years, then what? While the latter will always be creative in enhancing people's lives, thus improving his quality of life. So your purpose has to transcend your own selfish needs, when you focus on others you will be constantly improving.

It is important to reflect and plan "Draft your mission statement, identify your strengths and how to invest in them, and know how to mitigate the effect of your weaknesses," says Rev.Dr. Selvam.

Martha Mwashighadi* has formed a support group for widows like herself. The support group will help the 35-year-old be of good mind and spirit.

Positive psychology theories claim that improving one's self leads to a more fulfilling life.

Where to start

Start by assessing your strengths by taking a free or paid value in action character strength survey (VIR) assessment online. The awareness will lead to self-improvement.

To grow practice mindfulness, meditation, random acts of kindness, gratitude, and self-control among other interventions. Health experts advise that you find a mentor or a psychologist to help you enhance your wellbeing and happiness.

"Positive psychology is not only for those struggling with their mental health. It's for everyone since we all need to improve our general wellbeing. Initially, psychology used to focus on treating what is wrong and that is why there is the stigma against counseling. However, psychology moved to prevention and now we are more focused on enhancing people," says Rev.Dr. Selvam.

Constantly focusing on the negative, Dr. Selvam says, makes the body to begin collapsing physically and psychologically. The people who hold on to negativity do so because of childhood trauma or genetics. However, both can be overcome through positive psychology.