Relationships: Why do women fight their men in public?

"There are better ways of addressing relationship issues than making a public spectacle of yourself and your man," laments James Njue, 33, after recounting a confrontation he witnessed in a bar two weekends ago.
The man had allegedly disappeared from his home for days when his wife learnt that he was at the bar and came over to deal with him. "She came in shouting, calling him names and revealing intimate details of his shortcomings," James shares. The man flew off the handle and became physical. The incident which lasted about an hour ended when someone finally called the and she wound up in the hospital with a few injuries.
We have all witnessed one or two such tiffs of a woman angry at her man for entertaining another woman in public or a frustrated mother dumping a baby with its dead beat father at his workplace. With the rise of technology, many such public fights have been taken to the internet. To air out her dirty laundry, all a woman needs is a Facebook account.
Why do women feel compelled to share their private drama in the open?

Protection

According to Frederick Kiragu, a Nairobi based counseling psychologist, these shouting matches are motivated by a woman thinking that a man will be least likely to lose his temper in public.
"A usually short-tempered man will not stand up to her, she assumes. Plus, she will have the upper hand in the argument. If things spill out of control, she also hopes to have the sympathy of the observers," he says.
Sadly, this doesn't always work and we have seen women beaten black and blue in public.
According to him, these couples usually have underlying problems in their union than what is said during those arguments.
After witnessing the rather messy public showdown two weekends ago, James Njue, says when couples fight in public, emotions flare and words are thrown around and the primary issue remains unresolved.
"The woman got nothing from it apart from the beating," Njue, who has been married for four years, laments.

Doesn't it work? 
"Don't do it," Laura K, who brands herself as a drama queen in the past, advises.
For as long as she can remember, Laura, 34, has always had a penchant for the spectacle. She loved picking fights in restaurants and bars. She seemed to attract men who enjoyed the same. In her last serious, her drama spoilt everything. She wanted to marry him and so they moved in together but just like old times, she found herself fighting him in public.
"We fought a lot and I would always shout to make him look bad. One time I was breaking things and screaming to make it sound like he was hitting me," she recalls.
What she didn't realise was that she was also giving a bad impression of herself. She was never invited to any get together by her neighbours.
"It always felt good at the moment but I felt guilty and embarrassment later on," she says.

Both lose out

"When a woman decides to attack her partner with his imperfections in public, she is also parading her shortcomings. If she cannot raise an issue respectfully, it means that she has no respect for herself or her partner," says Silas Kibet.
33-year-old Kibet reveals that he lost a job a couple of years back after his baby mama caused a scuffle at his work station. She caused a scene telling unflattering details of him.
"After that drama, it was hard for me to be vulnerable, open, and honest with her. Everything just went to the dogs," he says.
According to him, a woman who chooses to air her dirty linen in public also scares off future prospects. 
"It just shows how immature a person is and that they cannot be trusted. That onlooker or Facebook friend contributing to your hurtful spurt with your partner could be your next date. Why will he want to be with a woman who will bring him down if things don't go her way?" Kibet asks. 
Healthy relationships thrive on support. 
How should we fight?
It is normal for people in relationships to disagree. 
However, the manner and place where they do matter. Avoid fighting in the presence of others.
"We have the usual highs and lows in our marriage but we never fight in the presence of other people, not even our children," says Stella Simiyu who has been married for seven years.
She says that she and her husband agreed that they were on the same team and that even if they had fall outs every now and then, it was their responsibility to present to the world a united front.
"Whenever tempers rise and we are in a public place, we either hold it off until we are alone or we agree not to talk about the issue. If we have to talk, we are keen to remain respectful, keeping our voices down and deliberately holding eye contact," she says.

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