Relationships: Is your fear of being single keeping you in a bad relationship?

A man and a woman hugging. PHOTO| FOTOSEARCH

What you need to know:

The need to be in a relationship is motivated by varying fears ranging from the fear that you are getting old, fear that you will be seen by the society as a failure to being uncertain about your financial future.

The fear of being alone is natural. This is especially true in the social media era when everywhere you look there is evidence of thriving relationships and marriages. The message seems to be that these ‘happy’ social media relationships are the source of happiness.

According to the experts, this belief could in fact be the big relationship problem today.  Psychologists from Toronto University have found that this fear of being alone is what drives adults to stay in bad relationships or settle for less than desirable partners.

What does it look like?

The need to be in a relationship is motivated by varying fears ranging from the fear that you are getting old, fear that you will be seen by the society as a failure to being uncertain about your financial future.

For 32-year-old Cynthia Akinyi, an insurance sales woman with a Nairobi based company, being accustomed to the stability of couple-hood keeps her in current lack lustre union. For all her adult life, she has not been single for more than a few months and during this time, she is normally sexually reckless.

“Being in a relationship keeps me grounded.  I do not know how to do this on my own,” she says.

What does her relationship look like?

“There are so many things that are not working for me in this relationship. I don’t feel like we really communicate and he is often unfaithful but it is better to have this rather than to sleep around, right?” she poses.

She still fights for the love. Often, she obsessively goes over conversations in her head to make sure that she didn’t say something to upset him. What she had not realised until now is that this constant fear of her relationship ending has stopped her from enjoying the relationship. Staying in an unfulfilling relationship on the other hand has stopped her from enjoying the benefits of being single.

Being single can be tough especially in Kenya where once a woman gets to the other side of 30, older relatives stop dropping hints and question when one will get married. It gets even harder when those around you have paired off and you constantly find yourself as a third wheel on dates. This pressure was what drove 31-year-old Wangeci into a committed relationship.  Two years in, she became emotionally exhausted. What drove her out of it, even amidst the fear of singlehood was realising that sex had become something she endured rather than enjoyed.

“I stayed telling myself that I would leave when I found someone else. The sex was a means to an end. The price I had to pay to maintain that relationship,” she recalls.

It has been a year and a half since she broke off that relationship and while she has gone on dates, she has deliberately not got into one. She is happy knowing that she could be in a relationship if she wanted and she is just waiting for a better match.

The consequences

“A relationship cannot guarantee happiness,” says Njoki Wanjohi, 34.

She draws from experience. While she says that she is no longer a victim of her own need for a relationship, she admits that it completely altered the course of her life. Growing up as a last born in a family of six girls, she watched her elder sisters glorify relationships. Getting married and having children was a personal success in the family and she grew up equating being single with failure or a personality problem.

When she got in to her first relationship, she overlooked the signs of potential difficulties ahead. From the onset, she saw that the object of her affections was not keen on a committed relationship but not wanting to lose him, she told herself that if she loved him enough he would change. She went to great lengths to keep the relationship intact, as far as ignoring his infidelity and when it began coming apart, she attempted to trap him by becoming pregnant.

Her boyfriend’s abandonment was her wakeup call which prompted her to shift her energy from her relationship status to her unborn child.

Way forward

The good news is that not being able to feel comfortable unless you are with someone is not a permanent predicament. In her new book Recovery Workbook for Love Addicts and Love Avoidants author and counselor Susan Peabody offers a guide into overcoming this fear.

  • The first step is recognising that you have this fear and looking into the beliefs that motivate it.
  • Change the way you think about relationships. Look at them as a way of complimenting you rather than completing you.
  • Take control and embrace being single.
  • When you are sure that you have control over this fear, do what you want with your love life.


QUIZ

Are you afraid of being single?

Honestly examine the purpose and the value of the relationships in your life and answer these questions with the answers best describing you and how you react to situations.

  1. Strongly agree B. Agree C. Disagree D. Strongly Disagree


  1. On numerous occasions you have thought to yourself that your current relationship isn’t good enough but you think it is better than not having anything.
  2. After a break up, you do not go for more than a few days unattached or without obsessing over another love interest.
  3. When you are not in a relationship, you are usually actively searching or consciously waiting for someone.
  4. In the past, you have repeatedly attempted to fix partners in a relationship rather than see the relationship end.
  5. When you look at your relationships you have continually attracted needier people because it is harder for them to walk away.
  6. You have inordinate patience in your relationship. In fact, you have astonished others with your ability to hold on when all seemed to be failing.
  7. You have stayed in a bad relationship as you looked for a replacement.
  8. You feel worthless when you are single.
  9. You have pursued a love interest in the past and then blamed them for not fulfilling your fantasies.
  10. When you meet a new person, you move quickly from attraction to attachment.


Scoring Guide
Strongly Agree -4, Agree- 3, Disagree – 2, Strongly Disagree- 1.


0-10 – There are things that romantic relationships avail which basic friendships cannot. You seem to be undermining the value of a romantic relationship in your life.
11-30 – You do not seem to draw your sense of security or worth from another person. You have found the perfect balance between enjoying singlehood while being open to the possibility of a fulfilling relationship.

31-40 – You clearly have a deep seated fear of abandonment or being alone. You need to locate the source of your fear and become dedicated to overcoming it.