Premature ejaculation doesn't have to kill your marriage

Premature ejaculation can be a distressing monster in a man's life! That was my conclusion after I met Paul, a 30-year-old man who had been married for three years and was on the verge of being divorced by his wife, Ann. Ann was 28 and childless. Her inability to conceive was the bone of contention and it was not of her making.

"I understand her when she says that she has given it her best and failed and that the most logical thing is for her to move on," Paul said when he came to the Sexology Clinic.

The couple did not have sex before their marriage as their values did not allow it. They did a grand wedding which made them be the talk of the town. Church leaders and elders in their community used them as an example of how young people should carry themselves.

"Maybe it is this public perception of us, the pressure to remain role models, that has kept us together, otherwise the marriage is hollow," Paul shares.

For three years, the couple did not have penetrative sex. Paul had the most severe form of premature ejaculation. Normally premature ejaculation is graded into three categories: mild, moderate, and severe. In mild cases, a man can have penetrative sex but not long enough to satisfy his partner. The ejaculation happens within three minutes of penetration. In some cases, the woman can adjust and get satisfaction. Couples generally compensate the short time of penetration with a long foreplay and this increases the number of times the woman gets satisfaction. 

The moderately severe form of premature ejaculation, on the other hand, is characterised by ejaculation within one to three minutes of penetration. As expected the duration is not long enough for a partner to reach climax. Even though couples try to have long foreplay and to adjust to the time, many times the woman can't get satisfaction.

"Well, I believe they can get children in such cases because whatever the case they can have penetrative sex," Paul notes. I nodded in affirmation. In both mild and moderate premature ejaculation fertility is not a problem; the worry is on the satisfaction.

But Paul and Ann's issue comes with unsatisfactory sex and also infertility. It is the severe form of premature ejaculation where affected men mostly ejaculate before penetration.

"I really cannot tell what happens," Paul lamented, "as soon as my wife touches me I am done and after that, the erection goes." 

And so Paul had never managed to have penetrative sex with Ann.

"She is a virgin three years after our wedding, she is sexually dissatisfied and cannot conceive," Paul said, fighting to keep his tears from rolling down his cheeks. 

"We are emotionally disconnected," he says, "we do not talk much and I feel bad that I have destroyed Ann's life by subjecting her to a sexless marriage."

The pressure was also mounting for the couple to get children. Paul's mother had been sending emissaries to him to find out why three years down the line they could not get a baby. As always, because infertility is always blamed on the woman, Paul's family was beginning to talk negatively about Ann, blaming her for using contraceptives to remain beautiful instead of taking up her "marital obligations" of childbearing.

In the mix of this stressful situation, the couple had tried several measures. Paul tried to eat foods that he thought added vitality to no avail. He bought creams from pharmacies to apply and stop the premature ejaculation but these did not help either.

"The last one I used was the blue pill," he reveals, "I had a strong erection which was even painful but the ejaculation happened as soon as my wife touched me and that was it."

I went ahead and prescribed Paul conventional treatment for premature ejaculation. He had a pack of tablets to take for three months after which he needed to come back to the clinic for review. I however did not see the couple for close to two years until they appeared last week at the clinic.

"Our baby is now one and we have noted that the problem is recurring."

And with that, I gave another course of treatment. It is not unusual for severe premature ejaculation to recur. When it does we have to repeat the treatment. 

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