Next of kin: Why women list their relatives while men name their spouses

Over the past three months, Nelson Kaimba has been struck by grief and dilemma. The 48-year-old lost his wife in May in a road accident. After her burial at their family home in Kitui County, Nelson was informed by his mother-in-law that his wife had left a will behind. "I was taken aback. I didn't know she had a secret will," he says. 

Amidst the surprise, Nelson comforted himself that since he had been a faithful husband to his wife for 23 years, he would be the natural beneficiary or trustee to her estate. "My wife, a secondary school teacher rose through the ranks to become a deputy principal," he says. Nelson was almost certain that there wasn't much property his wife could have stashed on the side since they were financially open to one another. But alas!

"I was shocked when the will was opened. My wife had accumulated very prime plots in Thika and Machakos. She had shares in a teacher's Sacco worth Sh4 million. She had also invested in the wines and spirits business in Matuu through her younger brother and she was in the process of developing a four-bedroom maisonette,'' he says. His wife had accumulated more wealth in secret than they had accumulated as a couple. 

But what broke his heart was that he wasn't featured on her list of beneficiaries. "Her beneficiaries were our three children aged 22, 18, and 16, her mother and two sisters. She also left the wines and spirits business to her brother. I featured nowhere in the list," says Nelson. 

According to the wishes of his late wife, Nelson's mother-in-law will hold the properties left to their children in trust until their last born attains the age of 25. Since the content of his late wife's will was revealed, Nelson has been lost in a sea of betrayal and internal conflict. He doesn't know whether to contest the will or not. 

"I haven't had time to mourn my wife properly. I feel as if she betrayed my trust. I had listed her as my next of kin in all my transactions. Yet I was nowhere in her plans," he says. Nelson admits that he is afraid of dragging his children and in-laws through a court battle. 

"I could contest, but I also want peace for my children. I am afraid a court battle might cast their mother as selfish or show me off as a greedy husband and father."

Not keen on husbands

As economic opportunities open up for more women, they are now in a better position to accumulate wealth and invest. However, when it comes to naming their next of kin, they are not very keen to include their spouses as administrators of their wealth, preferring instead to list their close relatives and children. 

"I once worked I had access to employees' files. I noticed something that disturbs me to date. 99% of the married women wrote their siblings, parents, and siblings as next of kin, but 100% of married men listed their wives as beneficiaries. Is it that women don't trust their husbands or are they just mean?" read a post on an online forum, which elicited many mixed reactions. 

The above observations are true according to psychologist Ken Munyua and there are reasons. "Many women see men as wanderers. Men are more likely to have secret affairs and remarry very soon after the wife's demise. The likelihood of the man wasting the resources left behind, while leaving the deceased woman's children struggling is high," he says. 

Munyua adds that in social evolution, men are more likely to remarry after their spouse dies more than women. Men are also more likely to have secret families on the side. This leads women to take steps to protect their interests and those of their children even in death.

"Women opt to name their mothers and sisters as beneficiaries or trustees on behalf of their young children. This comes out as the safest option in ensuring their sweat doesn't benefit other women who may be brought on board, leaving their own kids in the cold," the psychologist observes.

This is something Bernice Munialo learned the hard way. When her mother, the breadwinner, passed on in 2006, her father quickly remarried and spent all the money that had been left behind. 

"My father retired into small-scale farming after losing his job in government. My mother raised the family alone. She educated us and acquired the matrimonial farm and home in Kiambu. When she died, dad was her next of kin," says the firstborn in a family of five. 

Barely one year after the death of her mother, Bernice's father remarried. "I was 22. He married a divorcee of four children. He said that he needed companionship and someone to help him care for the farm. We tried to object but he did it anyway," she says. 

Bernice's father withdrew the money left behind by her mother and opened businesses for his stepchildren. He then divided the three-acre farm his late wife had bought amongst all the children, including his step kids, and announced that the matrimonial home left behind by his late wife would go to his new wife in the event of his death. 

"The businesses collapsed within two years. I was so bitter that much of what my mom had worked so hard for was now gone. It still hurts that my younger siblings had to struggle with fees at the expense of his new family yet mom had left enough for the five of us," says Bernice whose father passed away in 2012. 

Once bitten twice shy

The 37-year-old married mother of two says that although she is married to a wonderful man, she will not include him as a beneficiary or administrator in her will. "My father was a good father and husband. But he changed once she died. Men start looking for a replacement the very second the wife dies," she says.

This gets compounded where the woman feels that the man is with her for the money. Take the late Wambui Otieno and Peter Mbugua for instance. Mbugua became the talk of the town when he married Wambui in 2003. He was 25 and Wambui was 67. The popular opinion was that Mbugua who worked as a stonemason had married Wambui for the money. In 2011, the couple held a church wedding but unfortunately, Wambui died in August of that year. 

Following her death, a battle over her property erupted. According to the will, Wambui distributed her wealth which includes cars, houses, and money among her 10 children and eight grandchildren. She left her home in Karen to her daughter. She then left Mbugua an old, clanky Toyota G Touring. 

An incensed Mbugua petitioned the court to award him a Toyota Harrier which Wambui had bought, though he didn't get it. In April 2019, Mbugua remarried. "The law allows me to remarry after the death of my spouse. The first marriage certificate is no longer binding," he said. No relatives from his first wife's family attended the wedding. Perhaps, the bad blood between Mbugua and Wambui's beneficiaries was betrayed by his admission that he had never visited Wambui's grave since she passed away.

According to Esther Masanyangila, an Advocate of the High Court and the founding and managing partner of Masanyangila & Associates Advocates, where a woman omits her husband from the list of her beneficiaries, the husband can petition the court. However, the success of such a petition will mainly depend on whether the husband was truly dependent on the wife or not. 

"The petition will not supersede the actual will left behind. But in as much as the will stands, the husband can ask the court to consider him and allocate a small portion if he can show proof that he was entirely dependent on his wife," says Esther. Such a petition will be based on Section 29 of the law of Succession Act. 

Transmission of property left behind by wives to husbands has also often been contested, especially if the wife was holding such property in trust for her sisters or brothers. After the death of late Bomet Governor Joyce Laboso in July 2019, her widower Edwin Abonyo proposed a list of properties he and Joyce jointly owned. He then applied to the Family Division of the High Court in Milimani. In the application, Abonyo sought an order to be the administrator of the estate he and Joyce owned. 

In June 2020, he received the order to administer the estate from High Court Judge Aggrey Muchelule. This drew the ire of his sisters-in-law. The sisters contested that Abonyo had included the estate of their late mother Rebecca Laboso.

In May 2021, Abonyo expunged the contested properties that belonged to his mother-in-law from the inheritance list. He stated in the affidavit that he would divide the remaining properties among his sons. 

Men don’t mind wives secret accounts

Studies show that most men are unbothered if their women have secret accounts, as long as the stash goes to benefit their children. However, they are concerned if their wives appear to be making more money than them. 

According to a study of 6,000 married men over a 15-year course by the University of Bath, UK, men get anxious when their wives earn up to 40 percent of the household income. 

They then become very uncomfortable if their wives' income rises above their income and get depressed if they become economically dependent on their wives. 

However, men do not want to be sole breadwinners. The study says that men will be at their most anxious when they are left with the sole responsibility of covering for their family finances. 

Ephantus Ndirangu echoes this by saying that he wouldn't be bothered if his wife accumulated wealth as long as he knows that his children will benefit from it. 

"If she leaves everything to our children, I will be okay," he says. 

His sentiments are echoed by Josh Odhiambo who works as a construction engineer. "My wife is a senior director at a local bank. I recently saw documents that she has some secret assets. This doesn't bother me. On the contrary, I am more confident that the future of this family is well taken off even in my absence," he says. 

Josh, 42, adds that as a man, he admires his wife for developing herself on the side. "I would be more worried if she had nothing to show despite her long career," he says. 

According to Munyua, most men appreciate the family financial stability that comes with their woman's ability to earn, invest, and accumulate wealth, even if this is done in secret. 

"Most men are aware that women are secretive especially on money. They overlook this because it means that the woman can look after the family," he says. 

However, Munyua says that these secret investments and secret wills are also influenced by the type of relationship the wife has with her husband. "In more stable relationships where a high level of honesty is practiced, and the woman has confidence in her man's financial decisions, she will discuss her estate or will," he says.

The number of women who select their mothers, sisters, and children as beneficiaries is likely to rise even further with the anticipated passing of the Children (Amendment) Bill, 2020. This Bill is seeking to amend Section 24 of the Children Act of 2001 and will make it mandatory for both parents to foot the upkeep costs of children equally regardless of whether they are married or not. 

According to sociologist Johnstone Miriti, if and when the Bill becomes law, there will be a heightened need for women to secure their children's welfare. 

"More women will likely be more conscious about the future of their children without factoring in the father's contribution and they will take precaution to safeguard their children welfare through a secret will or an external trustee," the sociologist says. 

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