My wife went off sex after giving birth two years ago, what should I do?

My wife had a very difficult pregnancy with our child and ended up having an emergency C section. She was so scared and convinced herself that she was going to die.

Since then, she has completely gone off sex. Our baby is turning 2 and she still has shown no interest in having sex again. I have tried many times and she says no. What should I do and how long should I wait before trying again? Sam

READERS ADVICE

I can only imagine what you are going through. It takes integrity, honesty, and tolerance for one to stand such a test and remain faithful to his wife. Many women who go through such end up being traumatised and lose the desire for intimacy. I suggest that you both visit a sexologist or psychologist for counseling and with time things will come back to normal.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale

Sex problems are typically indicative of another set of issues and in your case, the childbirth experience of your wife. But then, People desire physical intimacy when they are emotionally connected. I guess the first thing to do is to reconnect with your wife on an emotional level. Get involved in her life. Go the extra mile to be an emotionally supportive person. Your goal should be on emotional connection. See if you can rekindle the personal spark you two had for each other. If you can fix that aspect of the relationship, sex will follow suit.

Zack Omoro

EXPERT'S TAKE

From your story, I could speculate that your wife was most likely traumatised by the childbirth experience. It is not really about how long you should wait. The question that comes to mind is what has she said about her lack of sexual intent, has she highlighted why sexual contact has not been possible? She has manifested a perception about sex that has kept her from performing the act. You need to help her overcome the scared emotional side of her. Perhaps even have her see a professional to establish the way forward. After birth, there is also the element of hormones that may be deflecting her from sexual arousal. It is important to support her through this time, so that hopefully you may regain your sexual bond.

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor 

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

My name is Victor, I met my ex in the streets of Nakuru one evening while I was headed home. We talked and agreed to meet for coffee the following day. She instead chose to come to my house the following morning and we ended up having unprotected sex. I wasn't ready for another relationship with her but she sort of made me develop some interest. Due to the nature of my work, I moved to Nairobi temporarily a week later but we kept talking and I could send her money occasionally. One month later we agreed to meet again in Nakuru which would have been an avenue to express my feelings so that we could know where and what we were. I traveled on Friday evening and even sent her fare so she could come over to my place on Saturday morning. Saturday came and she failed to show up but promised to be there on Sunday by 9 am. On Sunday I waited but a text came through around 3 pm that she couldn't manage and that she will make up for it next time. I left disappointed and seriously lost trust in her.

Three months later I got a text from her which stated that she was pregnant with my baby and that she didn't want to tell me early because; (1) she feared that I was not ready for her; and (2) that I would ask her to abort. I congratulated her and felt sorry for her but declined to have her move in. I send her money whenever she requests but a life with her is not possible. First, I felt cheated because of the time she "eat fare" was the perfect time to talk and plan a life together. Secondly, when she failed to appear for our date she would have been one month pregnant and I would have read the state of her body. Third, the distance to my place from hers was barely 40-50ksh but I sent her fare almost 20 times higher than this and her excuse was that she had developed a flu. Finally, pregnancy is something we must plan. You just don't decide to give me a kid because you want to be with me. We should sit down, talk and decide when we are going to have kids. I got married and hate the fact that she has to raise the child alone. I will try where I can but my questions are: Why would you want to give me a kid when we even do not know each other? Why would someone think that being made pregnant will automatically make the man your husband? 

Victor

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