My lover's child disrespects me, lowering my self-esteem

Hello, I'm 24 and currently living with a 36-years-old man. We're not legally married yet. We love one another but the problem is his children. He has two daughters and the last born is completely out of control, she disrespects me and talks to me however she feels. It really lowers my self-esteem. Every time I tell his father of her behaviour she denies it. I'm tired of this but I don't know how to walk out of the relationship since this man hasn't given me a reason to. I don't know what to do. Please help me.

Rosaline

READERS ADVICE

I empathize with your situation but several grey areas need addressing. You seem to be in a come-we-stay kind of arrangement. Is your man divorced, separated, or widowed? How did he introduce you to the girls? Were they adequately prepared that their mom would be replaced? Could the girl be reacting to your intrusion? Does he stand and protect you from the girls? You need to have a very serious talk with him and explain your predicament. If he has made up his mind to marry you, the girls should be made aware so that they can start treating you as their stepmom. 

For your emotional and physical security, it's good to impress on him the need to formalise your marriage.

Counselor John Wambugu

It is sad when there are hurdles in your relationship. It is always good for partners to talk about their future and how they can handle matters that may arise in their relationship. The issue of children from the previous relationship cannot be wished away. I believe that the person who can make you be respected is your partner. He should let the children know and understand that you are now their mother. If he loves you, he will protect you from the unbecoming behavior of his children. You will never have peace until this is contained.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale

Before you start weighing on the options of walking out of your relationship because of a young child look at other safe options that have made you value. You do not have the option of changing this child to what you desire but you have the choice to cope with her behaviour through some level of understanding. Let your man know what you feel and any struggles that you have because of how his child treats you. If he is understanding he will help you to handle this predicament. And if both of you want the marriage to work then combined efforts will work in your favour. 

Juma Felix 

EXPERT'S TAKE

You mention that you are not married yet, which suggests you hope to one day be married to the man you are dating. Life is not a straight line and you must accept that the choice to love this man comes with a package. If you want a future with him, part of your responsibility is to handle these trials that one of his daughter’s presents. Expecting a walk in the park is not realistic. Establish a bond with her regardless of how hard you think that might be. Facing some form of resistance is part of life and when you date someone with children it is expected that you will not be welcomed with open arms. If the relationship is worth the effort, then you will find a way to bring harmony between all the parties concerned. Nothing worth having comes easy so be the grown-up and strive to make things work. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counselor

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

I am Alex and I am a 23-year-old university graduate and currently working as an accountant. I come from a family that's not stable financially as my dad is a farmer and mum is a hawker. I had invested much of my time in my studies, fueled by the desire to change my family situation and wellbeing. I thus chose not to get into a relationship. Now that I am starting to pocket some money I feel the urge to try getting into a relationship.

Please give me an idea of where to start. 

Alexander 

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