My jobless husband is threatened that I am the breadwinner. How do I handle the issue?

Kindly hide my identity. I have been married for about two years now. All this period my husband has been on and off jobs that lasted for about four months but for the rest of the period, I have been footing our bills and house expenses. He is out and about looking for jobs but he has not been lucky till now. Now my problem is anytime any disagreement or conflict comes up he has to ask, 'Is it because you're the one supporting us financially?' or threaten to leave the marriage rather than addressing the issue itself. Or he would just give me the cold treatment in return. I feel the fact that he keeps threatening to leave says this marriage is not meant for permanency, and I should not invest too much emotionally and financially, as he is with me because of his lack of funds. I think he is frustrated by the fact he is not providing. Are there women who have stood by their husbands and still the husband chooses them after they are well financially? How do you handle conflicts with such a man without bruising his ego?

READERS ADVICE

I think your husband has ‘inferiority complex’ from his lack of money. Get professional or religious counsel and be candid with each other and tailor solutions for your issues or accept to separate as early as possible without wasting each other's time. But give dialogue a chance while being honest on the issues. 

David Machoka, Kakamega

Your husband is suffering from an inferiority complex. He feels insecure in that marriage. Secondly, it seems you moved in together before much discussion about how your future would be and how you would deal with negative occurrences. You need to hold the bull by its horns and discuss the fate of your marriage candidly.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

Two years in marriage is considerable time assuming you dated before settling down. It is commendable that you have helped to cater to the bills. It is obvious he is a frustrated man from not being to support the family and if he got an excuse to get out, he will do so and get back to the institution later. For now, try to be tolerant and accommodate him without making any emotional or financial investment. The choice to leave or stay is upon you but be sure to evaluate your marriage and get to know what it is that both of you want out of it. 

Juma Felix

I just want to remind you that you vowed to be with your husband through good and bad times, for rich or for poor. And while it may be extremely difficult for you to stick by him, I'm encouraging you to do so.

It's easy to think of ourselves and our own struggles but your husband is at a very delicate and vulnerable place. He needs your support more than anything

I know it hurts and its hard but you have to continue trying. Marriage isn't easy and you can't just call it quits because it gets hard. You married him so you’re in it for the long haul. He just might make a turnaround and you'll regret leaving him.

Perhaps you could give him some time to get his life together and then leave him after some time if he really doesn’t improve. He will surely get a job and all these will be in the past.

Fred Jausenge, Doha, Qatar 

In my view, you value this marriage so much and you would wish to save it from dying, which is great.

One thing you should know is that any normal man/husband feels a lot of pain if he finds himself in a situation where he is unable to provide for his family. Your husband feels that you are burdened or uncomfortable and therefore uses these threats as defense mechanisms. Look for a convenient place and time when both of you are in good moods then remind him that; you understand his current situation and you are comfortable footing the bills until he is okay financially; that disagreements occur in all unions and he should not feel that yours occurs because of his situation, and three that he should speak his mind for both your well-being. Finally, do not quit. Continue to invest in the union both emotionally and financially as you have always done since there are women who have stood by their suffering husbands and their partners stayed with them after they became better financially.

Maxwel Odeka, Ngeri village

EXPERT’S TAKE

I do not know whether you were told this before you got married. But marriage is not a plug-and-play kind of thing. Just like life, it is not a straight line of bliss. It has been two years and this situation you are in is one of the many tests you shall have to overcome by evolving and getting to know each other. Your husband is most likely frustrated because in his eyes he is a failure because it reached a point that you as his wife were the provider. Many traditional men cannot handle this scenario and unfortunately in their frustration, they may hurt their partners. This is a bump in your life and it will teach you about each other and how to handle the negatives. Be the bigger person and understand that your husband only needs some form of assurance that despite him not being able to provide as he would wish, you still value him and appreciate him as your man. Understanding him is far more productive in the long run than withdrawing from your marriage. These conflicts will be experienced in a variety of forms. If you can pamper him and make him feel useful rather than useless you will uplift his spirits and minimise arguments. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor 

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA 

I have been married for 10 years and we have two kids—a boy and a girl. My marriage has not been smooth emotionally. I have a side chick who we've dated since 2019. This lady is financially independent with a well-performing business.

Now, by the time we started dating, the lady had a ‘sponsor' who supports her financially and to date, they are still together but she complained that the ‘sponsor’ was incapable of siring children with her. So we opted to get a child together and fix it on the sponsor. Now, we have a baby boy aged eight months, but I feel disappointed since I don't chip in due to my financial crisis even though the lady is very much okay. I’m also concerned about future outcomes. I love my family and my wife as well and I wouldn't want her to know about the story. Looking forward to your response and advice. 

Sam

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