My husband has married a second wife and I am devastated

Q: I have been married for five years. I recently discovered that my husband has taken in a second wife, and they have been living together for the last year. I was so devastated. I came to know about this through his close friends. When I confronted him he said that he didn't want to hurt me. What should I do? I'm so hurt because I trusted him so much. 

A: You seem to be in shock, and my heart goes out to you. You are struggling because you trusted your husband, but he ended up betraying you. You are also devastated that he is marrying a second wife, and behind your back. The fact that your husband kept his second marriage secret hurts you despite his reasons. 

So how do you deal with these revelations? You can decide how much you can bear. In the process of making any decision, I would suggest that you look very carefully at the last three years of your marriage and ask yourself if you were happy or not. During the time that he was married to both you and his second wife without your knowledge, how did he treat you? What about after your discovery? You also need to talk to a close friend or a family member who will probably offer a shoulder to lean on at this trying time. After self-evaluation, you can have a candid talk with your husband preferably with a family mediator. Remember, although you are hurt, harsh confrontations will only push your husband further. Note that he has already decided on having another wife, and therefore making him feel guilty might not help. At the same time, do not cling, beg, whine, plead, or manipulate. It will only worsen the situation. Be strong. Make it clear that while you would like to save the marriage, your life will go on, and he needs to step up as your husband. 

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