My husband doesn’t want sex – and it’s wrecking my self-esteem

Q: I have been married to my husband for four years, and he is everything that I desire in a spouse except that he has not been interested in sex for quite some time. Gradually, it has become worse and I am at the point where I feel no desire for him anymore! I feel that I have tried everything to make things better. I am 33 and feel like I am missing out on an important part of my life. I don't want a roommate / best friend; I want a lover who desires me. He once disclosed that he was abused sexually when he was a young boy but I always tell him to get over it and start living again.  I understand that the issue is his but the effect that it has on me makes it my problem. I hope that you can offer some advice. 

A: Thank you for your question. I can sense a lot of dissatisfaction caused by your husband’s sexual disinterest. Sex is an expression of love and devotion and when a couple doesn’t realise its importance, the chances of divorce are very high. This situation could be due to his past life, sickness, marriage issues or disinterest in the relationship. Since you still love your husband as you indicate in the letter, it is important therefore to assess the situation and check what could be the cause of this before making a decision of moving out of the marriage.  Due to the sensitivity of this issue, dialogue can only be effective through a proper approach lest your husband refuses to open up. I would suggest that you start by affirming your love for him regardless of his situation and assure him that you are ready to listen to him no matter how sensitive his problems are. 

Let him know that his disinterest in copulation and his silence are hurting you and the relationship altogether.  It is important for him to know that the cause of this situation should be discovered through him and dealt with for your marriage to be saved. In case of illness, visiting a gyaenocologist is advised. He had already admitted that he had a sexual abuse experience and therefore encourage him to visit a counsellor to get psychological help. However, you should reconsider staying in this marriage if he is not ready for dialogue or he is not willing to change for the good of your marriage. I wish you well.