My dependent boyfriend is HIV+ and not on medication. What should I do?

I’m a woman who has been in a relationship for the last six months. I’m financially stable and have been helping my man boost his business. I recently discovered that he is HIV positive and he is not on medication. He has been positive for years. There are also communication issues and a lack of compatibility. Though I love him I feel shortchanged! We have been intimate. How can I positively end the relationship? What if I’m already positive as well? Please help!

READER’S ADVICE

A medical check-up should be the first step to take in order to get the direction. It's better to face the issues at hand instead of ending the relationship with the one you love. Blame game won't add any value, if you too are positive, accept it and move on. HIV is a condition you can live with provided you follow the doctor's advice. Address your incompatibility and communication issues. 

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri 

You seem to be torn between love and infatuation. You say you love this guy yet you feel shortchanged at the same time. I also wonder why you would be intimate with someone without first knowing their status, in this era. On the other hand, your departure can't be determined by your status; if he has infected you or not, it is all about your freedom and peace of mind. In whichever case, choices have consequences. Be sober as you make up your mind.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

I understand the fear that comes when you sleep with a HIV positive person. Unprotected sex with a person does not necessarily translate to acquiring the disease. The transmission rate is between 1-2 percent. This means out of 10 uninfected persons who had unprotected sex with infected persons, only one or two might contract the disease. You might be amongst the lucky eight. The first step you should make is to visit a VCT center and check your status. If your results turn out positive, then both of you should start using ARVs. If you are negative, then encourage him to start using antiretroviral drugs to reduce the amount of HIV load in his body. A reduction in viral load prevents transmission to other people through sex as long as he takes the medicine as prescribed. Both of you will stay healthy throughout the relationship period. Do not stigmatise someone because of their status. He is also human and needs to be loved. 

Wilberforce Kuvai, Poet and Writer 

You did a grievous mistake when you accepted to sleep with your boyfriend without protection and before getting an HIV test. You now need to urgently get tested to know your status. By not disclosing his status, it means that he doesn't care about you at all. Whatever the outcome, are you comfortable living with a man with whom you are not compatible with and whom you have such trust deficits?  Though you love him, he doesn't appear to have the same feelings for you. Make a wise decision.

John Wambugu 

I am so sorry that you learnt that your boyfriend has been HIV positive for some years. Even more unfortunate is that you have been intimate. You need to be brave and face him, and seek to understand why he would go ahead and be intimate with you not caring whether you contract the virus or not. This is very selfish of him and he is a silent murderer. Go for a test and even if you turn positive, run for your dear life. The guy is not worthy of your love.

J. Muikamba 

I feel for you, you have been and continue to be shortchanged, financially, emotionally, and health-wise. Make a clean break, and don't look back. You sound too good for his character.

Drive Counseling Centre, Kitengela

There are chances that you are positive. But that should not be something to dwell on at this particular time. People live happily with HIV, so the best you can do is to live a positive and active life. It has only been six months in your relationship and looks like you have made a few investments. Your boyfriend betrayed you by not disclosing his HIV status to you for reasons nobody knows. Since you love him, consider having a talk with him to get the best way of moving forward with your relationship. A positive and genuine understanding between you two will turn out better than breaking up to start another relationship.

Juma Felix

EXPERT’S TAKE

Now that you know his status you must prepare to have that sensitive talk. It is important for you to know why he never shared that he was positive and how then would he risk your health by not disclosing this vital information considering you are intimate. It does not need to be a heated disclosure but a civil communication between adults who were meant to share life yet one decided not to. For your own sanity, I highly recommend you confirm your status before your talk so that you have all the facts. I do not know how you found out about his HIV status so for me the flip side is whether he actually knows. Either way, you must have the conversation to move forward whether together or apart.

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counselor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

My wife cheated on me with a GSU officer in December 2021, yet I am faithful to her. Since then, I have been feeling a lot of pain and stress.  I have not forgotten nor forgiven her, but I’m not ready for revenge. Now, when I see my wife I get mentally sick. Advise me. Aggrieved, Nairobi.

Have a pressing relationship dilemma or want to give advice? Email us at [email protected]