Mantalk: As a man, being in a committed relationship in your 20s is a terrible idea

What were you doing at 21? I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but my brother just brought his girlfriend home, to meet the folks, at the ripe old age of 21. Of course, knowing Nairobi relationships, you probably don’t care. (I am reliably informed the situation is in such dire straits that people have one-month anniversaries. LOL.) Before I upset this apple cart further, get this, the girl is 20! 20! They say youth is wasted on the young but clearly, being young isn’t what it used to be.

One of the bright embers of the aging process is that you get to stick it to the younger generation properly. Scoffing at their new haircuts and naïve fashion and tasteless music, and incensed over why you can’t say certain words “these days”.  It is written in the constitution of nature that the next generation is almost always generally weird, awfully lazy, and have it, whatever it is, much easier these days. It was ever thus.

Do you remember how it felt like to be 21? With the whole world at your feet? I do. At 21 I was still looking at videos of how porcupines have sex, and whatnot. I was a bozo. Now? I feel old-fashioned, or, old-school, or just old. Like a species facing extinction, my millennial generation is pure Tyrannosaurus Rex. Life, eh?  One day you’re young, the next you’re an old fart, talking about how it was better in your day.

Speaking of, this bootleg version of yours truly was born in 2002. In case you are not feeling old enough, that was two presidents ago. And right now, he is making adulting decisions? As who? Who gave him the right? Mark you, at 21 I was running around arguing who between J Cole and Kendrick Lamar is the greatest rapper of all time. Hands down, J. Cole. I’ll fight anyone about this.  

Here’s what is vexing my spirit. My brother, at 21 is too young to be in a serious relationship because he hasn’t had enough experience to decide that this is his final destination. He needs to be out there in the streets. He is soft. Who will hand him a proper, what is it you call it? Character development? I can see from his puppy eyes. Young love. I get it. He is still that sweet-natured young man of foul-mouth, odd hair, and wanker-mag reading habits—still young and skinny and handsome and hopeful. A committed relationship is not what he needs right now. 

“Bro, this is Dee. Dee this is bro,” was how he introduced us, and in so doing subdued me into near silence. Let’s get a few things out of the way. He has not let down the Ohare family name. Maybe it was her aura, the deep, piercing (woof) eyes, or the balletic grace in her mannerisms. A beautiful girl that one. Tall too. And dimpled. I can see myself as an uncle to their spoilt children, preferably not soon. There is also the small matter that they are government broke but who’s to judge? Did I say she has dimples? Well, she has dimples. Dimples are a soft kiss from God. I can see why he fell, but that’s why I am the big bro, to catch him midway and prevent an unnecessary thud.

What’s the hurry with these kids? No, really. Why are they in such a rush?

I remember my first love. Oh my. Someone’s daughter from the lake. Arresting smile. Bewitching hips. And that accent, that accent sprinkled with some good ol’ lake arrogance. But I did one of those babe-it’s-not-what-you-think things Kenyan men do and now my brother is bringing home a girl—at 21.

I don’t think you understand how big a deal this is. Where I come from, and I come from a very collaborative community, deep in the trenches of Mumias, things follow a prescribed order. My younger sister cannot get married before me (sorry sis), and neither can whoever follows her. These traditions were put in place to ensure seamless ancestry but kids nowadays seem not to have read the family script.

Maybe there is a sliver of silver lining. I’m impressed by his maturity. As I write this all I am thinking about is, “Isn’t it weird that ‘W’ actually starts with ‘D’?” Him? He is making adulting decisions. I want to pull an Esau and sell him my birth right. I can also tell they have been doing adult things by the way they stand. But something feels off. On one hand, I am proud of his bold step, and sense of responsibility, but flip the coin and as an elder brother I can tell they are going to clash. Don’t ask me how. What an old man sees sitting down, a young man cannot see standing atop the highest mountain.

I don’t think anyone should make their world smaller than it really is. At 21, the weight of getting committed and playing “cha mama and cha baba” should not be what guides their decision-making. Or maybe I am just sour grapes because I’m staring down the barrel of the dirty 30s and I am closer to becoming a priest than to a polygamous man. Another remarkable thing is just how unremarkable their relationship seems, just two children with a lot of time on their hands.

What do they even talk about? What do they struggle with? What are their plans? Who pays for what? Who takes care of what? Who—and this is a very pertinent matter—takes the last piece of ugali? You may think I am questioning their relationship, but really, I am searching for tips.

Kenyan ladies have been making and breaking men’s dreams longer than network marketing and cryptocurrencies. If I can draw from my well of relationship experience(s), I think, when you date too early, you tend to stay in that love nest a little too long, and linger a little too much. The gilded lineage, the familiar faces, the comfort of continuity: this is the comfort of young relationships, but also its curse.

I hope he can learn from the men before him that sometimes there is such a thing as too early a start. That there is a bigger world out there than what he is reducing his to. Things change and nothing lasts forever. Nonetheless, you can tell a young person where the mines are, but he’s probably going to have to step on them anyway. And with dimples like the girl has, it becomes a seductive fantasy. This is the first lady who he’s brought home. She won’t be the last. I can tell. Si ni me nakushow.

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