MAN TALK: Of desperate men and lonely husbands

Q: I am 29 years old and ready for a serious relationship, but I can’t seem to get a girlfriend. From my own assessment and from what other people – both men and women – tell me, I am a pretty good guy.

I live in a decent, though not middle-class neighbourhood, and I drive a decent car, though it is neither a Subaru nor a Merc. However, I feel as though women have no eyes for nice guys who don’t have much cash.

Some of my friends treat women like crap, but the women stick with them like bees on honey.

The rest of the women are with men who have more money than I do. Do I really have to turn into a jerk and live beyond my means to attract women?

A: I also wouldn’t want to be your girlfriend with that defeatist attitude. God, you would annoy the hell out of my weave if you took me out on a date.

I would interrupt you in the middle of your boring spiel about your sad life full of excuses and go to the bathroom and call my girl and tell her, “Linda, this guy is as interesting as a soapstone, ebu call me in 25 minutes and say there is an emergency.

Don’t call before – I have to finish my pepper steak, sawa? 25 minutes, Linda!”

You sound like a crybaby. Those guys who take a woman out and tell them, “I live in this not-so-middle-class neighbourhood but it’s only temporary, I will move out to a middle-class neighbourhood where I belong.

And if things go really well, I will get a Mercedes. I also have a farm in Kitale, not much, only two hectares, I’m thinking of building there one day.” Booo!

If you think loads of cash will get you women, then rise at dawn and make loads of cash. If you think being a jackass will make them come, then be a jackass.

Those women who tell you that you are a “pretty good guy”, why don’t they date you? Because good guys are dull and boring and they sleep alone. Or with their pets.

There will always be someone making more money than you. Someone funnier than you. Taller than you. Someone who wears better trousers than you.

Someone who lives in a better neighbourhood than you. Does this mean you will always be afraid that these chaps will take away all the girls from you?

How long will you cower in a corner, sucking your thumb and moaning about why you have no girlfriend? You aren’t single because some guys are making more cash than you or live in a better neighbourhoods.

You are single because you don’t think you deserve a girlfriend. Work on your self-confidence first.

Confidence is better than any neighbourhood you will ever move into or any car you will ever drive.

Q: I started this thing with my female colleague where we were just having sex. She is single, but I’ve been married for three years; my wife lives and works in South Africa and only comes home a few times a year, yet I have sexual needs that need to be met.

From the onset, my colleague and I agreed that it was a no-strings-attached relationship and for a while it was all good.

Now three months later, this girl has become clingy and keeps hinting that she might want more even though she knows there can be nothing more than sex between us.

I’ve tried to withdraw the sex but she still won’t leave me alone. How can I get her off my back? And are there girls out there who can actually hack casual relationships?

A: First, do me a favour, will you?  Please take that guy up there – the guy who lives in the wrong neighbourhood – for a drink.

Teach him how to get chicks. Secondly, I’m surprised you actually believed this girl from work when she said it was just going to be about sex.

How much had you had to drink? Your faith is staggering, my friend. In fact, with that faith you can strengthen the Kenyan shilling to 87 per dollar overnight.

Most women can’t maintain the whole no-strings-attached sex thing. Sooner or later she will want to cuddle and put her head on your chest and say crazy stuff like, “I wish this could last for a little longer.”

Or, “This is so perfect.” Or worse, “What are you thinking?” Then it all goes tits up quickly. (No pun). You made a deal with the devil, my friend.

I suppose you can’t quit your job to shake this girl off, which means she will always stop at your desk to borrow a rubber.

Or ask what time you will be going for lunch. The only way I see you killing this story is to just get very distant and withdrawn and very, very moody.

If that fails, tell her your wife is back in the country and she is crazy, the type that cuts people up and stuff.

If she is proud she will never talk to you again; she will sneer at you in the elevator and tell all the office girls that you have a small member.

Problem with us men is that after a few months she will start looking hotter and one day, in a moment of weakness, you might be tempted to invite her for a drink and go at it one last time. Don’t.

Are you a man who is desperately seeking some candid advice from Jackson Biko? Send your query to [email protected] and he’ll get back to you!