Man Talk :How to hack a friend with benefits pact

At some point this last week as a way to take off work pressure, I turned to Netflix. A few clicks later, Netflix disrespectfully suggested a rom-com as a match, based on things I have previously watched. How now? I was watching a murder series an hour earlier. Which one of your girlfriends at Netflix was trying to seduce me using movie choices? I honestly can't even remember what it was called.

Undeveloped Script

It was the typical Jeniffer Anniston meets Adam Sandler with some corny undeveloped script with a predictable plot, them somehow falling in love four scenes later, a rushed sex scene, and a plot resolution at the end which would make high school play scriptwriters cry.

I watched it for the kicks and giggles just to remind me of the days of old where due to lack of variety of content on TV, we watched a ton of romcoms. They were slightly higher in the hierarchy than the then 30-year-old Mexican soaps and they were sometimes the closest we got to sex scenes.

Miserable

Every rom-com has some casual sex somewhere quarter way through the script, whether or not it actually needs to be there and the couple always eventually fall in love. It's sort of like what happens in real life except in real life she gets pregnant, you're pressured by society to marry her so as "not to shame her", you have three kids later, then live a miserable 50 years together because you should have known that unplanned for children maketh for not a so solid union.

Silver Lining

The silver lining of the banal plot is it got me thinking about friends with benefits and casual sex which was a massive discussion online last week. I'm a sexual liberation champion so I have no moral objection to this form of exploration. It's worked pretty incredible for me and I hope that there's less shame around it.

While there are no textbook rules on how a friend with benefits aka FWB should work, I think a few basic general edicts apply. We can start with the fact that you need to be honest about whether you're the FWB kind of guy. Men who pretend they have no feelings want the FWB life but when they discover that the arrangement means that she too can see other people and suddenly they can't breathe. Suddenly their world is spinning. Self-awareness is key. Many men like the idea of being FWBs but only if they're the ones who are free to explore while their partner is tied only to them and that's selfish. Don't be that guy.

Show Respect

Next, be respectful. Just because you're casually hooking up with someone doesn't mean that you treat them badly. There' an F in FWB for a reason. Stop feeding them weed and tap water. If they're coming to your place you could at a minimum make sure they're fed. Be kind. Be a decent human being.

I also cannot emphasize the importance of communication. You need to clearly state what you want and what you expect. Do you want to be exclusive? Do you want to be completely open? Keep the lines of communication open so that you can talk about where you are emotionally and what you want to get from the liaison. You need to be clear especially since feelings, intentions, and desires change over time. Feelings sometimes come with the bumping of the uglies. Hiding feelings doesn't end well for any of the parties and that's how you end up in a complicated situation.

Pillow Talk

Get someone you can talk to and have a conversation with, outside the bedminton. Pillow talk doesn't need to be mentally draining. It doesn't have to be a conversation about the education system or whether Ethiopia's Prime minister Ahmed Abiy will lead the country into civil war, but leave the dark doors of dimwits behind. Have someone you can have a laugh with and banter and someone who can get your references.

Lastly. Know when to call it quits. The impermanence of the situation makes it attractive to get into but the lack of boundaries and definitions also makes it harder to get out of. Know when to dust off and move on and hopefully do it on a high. Keep it going only for as long as it's fun. Once the spark is over, just move to your next adventure. That's the only way to live- freely, with an emphasis on it being consensual.

Well, there you have it.

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