I am Harry, currently a student at the University, and I am in a dilemma. Is it a wise idea if I ask my mum to reveal my real dad? I have tried reaching my relatives from my mum's side to tell me but my efforts have been futile.
The reasons why I want to know are:
1. I need someone who will advise me, and share my painful experience because since I joined campus I have been stressed. My uncles abandoned me since I joined campus, so the burden of paying the fees and buying stationeries has been my own.
2. I am residing at my uncaring stepdad’s home. He stopped paying my fees when I was in class six.
In my view, my real unknown dad would be better off as he might chip in to pay part of my university fees, advise me, and also guide me. My mum was married off to my poor step dad so she survives by doing odd jobs to feed her family. Kindly, is it advisable to ask the same from your mum? I have heard it's a taboo but I am not sure.
Kindly advice. Please hide my identity.
You have all the right to know who your biological dad is. But I am afraid your reasons for wanting to find him might work against you. Even as you look for him, you can defer and look for a job and then continue with your studies thereafter. Just to note that you are not alone. I wish you well.
Fred Jausenge, Qatar
There are some traditional rules that are outdated for instance inquiring from your mom about your biological father. It's your right to know who he is and his whereabouts. Just seat her in a convenient environment, and have an open discussion. If she doesn't want you to know about your biological father, just move on with life and focus on your goals. Don't let the past affect you.
You need mentorship in self-identity and financial support. This far, your mum and stepdad have brought you, with or without as much money as you need. Understand that your mum's marriage needs protection and disclosure of your biological dad may jeopardise the existing peace. Your unknown dad might not be the solution because all this time he has not shown any efforts to support you. Your uncles cannot take full responsibility and it's not their obligation. In short, don't expect too much as you already have been hustling successfully. Get support from organisations that support tertiary education like the Higher Education Loans Board (HELB), and others. You may also look for odd jobs or side hustles during vacation. Appreciate the least help you may be getting. Move on.
W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri
You have all the right to know your biological father. Yes, it's a right, not a favour. Simply ask your mum and if she refuses, please let her know that the law will compel her to do so. I hear one can sue for emotional pain et al, but this is Africa and everyone will turn against you and downplay your pain.
Trust me, your biological father is fully aware that you exist. In fact, if he became sick and needed a kidney transplant or bone marrow, he would easily locate you. But he is avoiding you because finding you would mean sacrificing his comfortable life. He has a family that wouldn't like you and you need money.
Live within your means. Get a part time job and if forced to, defer your studies as you work to raise cash. But DON'T BEG. Your need your dignity. Appreciate your step father. He doesn't owe you anything because you are not his child. Thank him for everything he has done for you. You say class six? Be grateful. Your biological father probably never bought a kilo of unga. Finally, remember that there are people out there with bigger problems than yours so please, smile.
Your case may be described as having two sides. However, the reality is there is a pyramid of variations to your quest to find your biological father. Unless your mother made it difficult for him to locate you, you must ask why after all this time he has not attempted to find you. You are in your right to want to find your father, however, you are seeking him out to find consult and answers that he may not have. For your own peace of mind and sanity you can ask your mother about your father but do it with caution that things may not unravel as you please. Prepare for success or failure. Limited expectations are advised as you take on this journey to find your dad. Just remember he may not hold the remedies to your current situation. Your mother's reaction will be your first hurdle.
Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
Hello, I have been going through some of the relationship advice you give and they are eye-opening. I am 29 and, I have been in a relationship with a woman for two years. It’s a long-distance one although I have been keeping in touch. After the onset of Corona things started to change between us and I put a lot of effort to try and rebuild our relationship. However recently we got into a painful disagreement after I asked if she was happy with us and what can we do to save our relationship. The words she still hurt to date me. I was so heartbroken and I let her know I was very disappointed. Efforts to iron out the issue seem not to bear fruit since I now realise she took me for granted and doesn't value me and my concerns. I have been going through a healing process and at times cry, wondering what I did wrong to deserve such kind of treatment. I was made to look like the bad person. Please advise me on what to do in my healing process to avoid depression.
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