I rue marrying a rich divorcee; we fight endlessly,what should I do?

I am pressed to say something, at least to know I asked for help. I need assistance and advice on what to do with my life because I am slipping into depression.

I was married 5 years ago (come we stay) at the age of 26 because I was pregnant for a divorcee who had been married before for 13 years with no kids. He is 12 years older and very financially stable. I, on the other hand, settled because of love and to build a family, little did I know what I got myself into.

 The man has anger issues. We have fought severally in the years like normal couples do, but it has gradually gotten worse. I haven't been able to attain stability at work, probably because of the stress I have been going through in this marriage. I have a beautiful child that looks up to me, I am scared to leave because he has the means and capability to take the child away from me by any means traditional or court of law. I am married traditionally.

If not assisted in managing this situation, I see myself and my child dead. He cheated on me, later I also cheated. Now I know he's been cheating for some months and I am getting tired of all these. He doesn't eat at home; we almost constantly have argumentative fights. I got into this before I even knew who I was and what I really want in life.

 I am forced to act 10 plus years older yet that is not who I am. I am actively searching for a job to at least get out of the house, earn money and have me and my child a fall back plan if things go south, but I am yet to get any positive leads. Please assist because at this point I don't see any point of living for me and my child.

Kindly don't reveal my identity.

EXPERT’S ADVICE

I have read your story and what I have deduced by your narration is that your current relationship situation was born of circumstances where you were pregnant and he took responsibility for that fact. Based on that reality it is not logical to expect your relationship model to function as you wish.

Taking responsibility for him did not come with being faithful and in your case there was a high possibility that he would seek those thrills you speak of. Trying to change him and mould him to be someone he is not is only going to stress you further.

If at the moment, he is catering for your financial needs then your concentration should be less about where he eats and more about developing yourself so that you secure your own independence in the eventuality that you do decide to leave. Put emphasis and dedication to the future of your child using your man's resources to build on that future. What you seed today will bear fruit in the future, that should be your attitude.

 If need be, also consider Professional one on one consult to vent out what you normally cannot share. Venting combined with a new perspective may lead you to a better path and perhaps present other possibilities. You owe it to your child to want to succeed.

READERS’ TAKE

As some writers like to state, there's no marriage there. The statement "he cheated on me and I cheated back", implies that the marriage is founded on emotions, revenge and lack of common sense. No marriage survives without a sense of tolerance.

Wornicks Gisemba

Walk away when you are still alive. You never know why the first wife left him despite being able financially. It's good to marry a person of character not just financial stability

David Omondi

Ladies! Before you get involved with a divorcee, think big. Do you think the divorced wife didn't try to save her marriage? Or maybe are you the reason for their divorce?

Judie

Would want to hear the side of the man. Women are capable of anything!

Samuel Guzman

Freedom begins the day you stop blaming another person for your own decisions. Sad and tough as it is, you can turn it all round by first getting the peace of mind, the stability will set in. The kid is not only yours, he is the dad. Remember if you end up in grave you will definitely lose the kid definitely. So leave this union and the kid and seek peace and refuge from your family. Then after look into other remaining issues

Ian Francis

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

While on campus I casually dated a girl who was two years older. She would always nag "When will you take me to your parents?" I wasn’t ready so I didn’t answer. I came later to realise she would sneak into my phonebook and call my parents and relatives, which made me uncomfortable. The last two semesters to graduation, she communicated daily with at least four men; a policeman, a fellow student, a jua kali artisan and I. Unfortunately, she got pregnant and claimed it was mine. I strongly doubted since I had been far away on attachment and she had other men. I got stressed. She would even call my relatives informing them that their son had impregnated her and promising to go to our home anticipating marriage.

One evening, my parents called informing me that the woman had actually arrived. She traced my roots with the help of our fellow student who is my neighbour. When I asked that we do DNA tests first, she retorted that there’s no need to test since we love each other. Despite my earlier warning, she returned last December and slept at my home for two days. She claimed to have found a job in Nairobi and wanted to leave the child at my parents’. I got angry, travelled home and in full rage told them that she can’t leave the child with us without paternity proof. She was enraged. I am confused. Please, advise me.

Wycliffe, 26.

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