What you need to know:
- I have dated a guy for a year and things have not been rosy especially financially. When we met he did not have a job and he still doesn't.
- He claims to be making job applications but I do not believe him
I am a 28-year-old lady. I have dated a guy for a year and things have not been rosy especially financially. When we met he did not have a job and he still doesn't. He claims to be making job applications but I do not believe him. He has all sorts of reasons why he cannot get a job saying it's difficult to get work in his industry. I have been footing all our bills, though he tries to chip in but, it is not enough. I have asked him numerous times to move out so that the bills are lighter on me but he doesn't want to. I feel like we will hurt each other to a point of no return. Please help. Laura
Underline the words one year in a relationship with a jobless man who is reluctant to look for a job. He has a way of surviving under your care and chances are if you do not increase pressure on him he will stick around for as long as he wants. It is commendable you have tried to encourage him to look for a job but you need to do more and help him say goodbye to his laziness. You take care of his needs and to him he is fine and that is why he is reluctant to move out. Find out if he is truly applying for jobs and if he is lying then you need to act.
Your partner seems to be in a comfort zone both materially and emotionally. Every relationship must have boundaries. One boundary in a man /woman relation is that the man is the provider. I suggest you have a discussion with your partner and assert your expectations. If that is not immediately possible then seek some space.
My dear, I like it when you say that " he tries to chip in ". In fact, you should be so grateful that he tries. You may chase him away and find a financially stable man as you wish but fail to find other key things like; peace, freedom, good communication, attention, love, and commitment. Be patient with your man provided that you guys can afford basic commodities and encourage him to take any job that comes his way as he waits for one in his industry. What if you lose your job and he gets one, will he also chase you away? There's nothing permanent in life and therefore you need patient. Don't make people begin to think that you are materialistic which maybe you are not.
Laura, your fiancée seems to be the lazy kind. To me, he is just using you in the name of love, but in a real sense, he doesn't love you. Open your eyes and move on as this relationship is going nowhere.
Sorry that you are in this kind of situation, and especially that you have already moved in with your boyfriend. But what you should ask yourself is; what kind of a man is he? Does he have a vision or ambition in life? Did you have this conversation before you moved in together? With this, you can then make an informed decision, based on what you want in life.
I think this man does not appreciate your efforts to sustain both your bills. Then again it can be argued that if he were the breadwinner he as the man would be expected to foot the bills without complaining so why should you? That aside if you are not content with your current life with him you need to voice it and take action that leads you to a more comfortable living setting. You need to ask yourself if he has the potential to create the future you aspire to have with a partner. If you feel you are at the point where you are together because it's easier to settle with the devil you know then you may regret that choice later in life.
Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor
NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA
I'm engaged to a thoughtful, generous, and funny man and I love him. He is 31 and I'm 38. The problem is that almost all my friends and family don't think we should be together. I would normally take that as a huge red flag, except that the reasons people give are that he is too dumb for me. I'm from a family of financially well-off snobby academics and almost all my friends are fellow academics and doctors. My fiancé' is from a poor family, only studied up to Form four-level, and he runs a small business. My family says we have nothing in common and that we don't share any interests. My friends snob him and act as if he doesn't exist. They have also made some nasty comments suggesting that he is with me because he's a gold digger. Now that we have announced our engagement, no one has congratulated us, apart from cautions for me to ensure I sign a prenup. I feel torn, should I side with my family and friends over the man I love? I treasure all of them. Please help.
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