How your sex drive will change through the years

In the spirit of supporting her husband, Sophia escorted Elly for consultation at the Sexology clinic. The man was 60 years old and had lost seven kilograms in two months. He rarely ate and had become reserved. He no longer talked to their two children at the dinner table like before. At the university where he lectured many students were complaining about his lacklustre mode. He received a warning from the dean. This was a wake-up call to him, as he was about to retire, and getting a warning letter was the last thing he imagined.

"My husband thinks that his manhood is shrinking," Sophia explained, "we need urgent help because he seems to be sliding into depression."

"These days I have no energy for sex, it is a struggle and it worries me," Elly lamented, "and by the way, even getting stimulated takes too long, sometimes I just cannot rise to the occasion."

I examined Elly and could not find a significant problem except for slightly elevated blood pressure. Although he had lost seven kilos in two months, I also found him to be overweight. I ordered routine medical tests and they were all normal.

I realised I was dealing with a common problem: changes in sexual function at different stages of life. Sexual feelings, anatomy, and function change from the time one is born through adulthood and old age. Each stage of life comes with its package of goodies and challenges.

The adolescent, for example, always worries whether his or her sexuality is normal. Most young people go to the hospital because they are worried that they could be abnormal since they have not mastered the art of sex. They may be having wet dreams or maybe masturbating frequently and feeling guilty. Some may be having problems with premature ejaculation because they are in the process of initiating sex for the first time and they are overexcited. The thought of being abnormal can be scary to a young person and because sex is not freely talked about, they can get anxious and even depressed.

As people get into marriage, more learning starts to happen and many times it is never easy. If the couple overcomes the first hurdles, sexual functions normalise in a few months. There are however instances when couples continue to struggle for years and unless they get help from a professional the marriage may get troubled and even end.

Whatever the case, the body starts to wear out as age catches up. Most men gain extra weight in mid-life. Since the penis does not normally grow fat, it may appear like it is shrinking as the rest of the body puffs up. The visual image that a man gets is that his penis is shrinking. The complaint of a shrinking penis is most common in mid-life.

Some drug-selling companies have realised this mid-life body image crisis and are capitalising on it. There are many adverts on penis enlargement medicines. Many men fall prey to these adverts.

"I need to understand this more," Elly interjected, "So your view is that my machine is not shrinking?"

I nodded reassuringly.

"But how come I am no longer perfect in bed like before?" he asked.

This was another important fact of sexuality after mid-life. As men pass their fifties things tend to slow down. It takes much longer to get stimulation and trying to hurry and do penetrative sex can lead to disappointments. Expecting the body to respond as fast as it used to in adolescent years can cause anxiety that only causes erection failure.

Also of note is that in all ages men lose erection after ejaculation. The interval between ejaculation and the next erection is called the refractory period. The refractory period is short in younger men but increases in later ages. An older person has to wait a little longer to regain his erection. This is a normal sexual development.

"I rarely regain erection in one night these days," Elly quipped, "You mean that is supposed to be something normal?"

Well, understanding and accepting the normality of sex at different ages is very important otherwise one can get quite stressed about these normal changes in life. If you are 60 and expect to play football in the same league as 20-year-olds you are lost. The speed of the game will be unbearable and can break your fragile back.

Prof. Osur is a Kenya-based reproductive and sexual health expert and a reproductive rights advocate

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