How to guard your relationship from social media strain

Annabel Achieng was in a relationship with Georgie for two years. They had met during their final years in campus.

She was studying for a diploma in clinical medicine while he was taking a certificate in nursing. It did not take them long to get jobs after graduating in April 2019.

“We were lucky. Georgie got a job as an enrolled nurse with Beyond Zero in Kitui while I got a job as a clinical officer,” says Annabel. The two had their lives all figured out. They would date for two more years then get married.

“We knew we wanted to get married. He was a good man, hardworking, diligent and handsome. He was also ambitious and wanted to return to school to pursue a diploma in nursing, and later a degree,” she says.

Their relationship was like a match made in heaven. Then things changed in October 2019. Annabel joined Instagram. “When I joined Instagram, I became overly aware that I was dating a man who earned less,” she says. She never looked at Georgie the same again.

“Videos and memes suggesting that I should be dating a man who was academically and financially at par with me kept popping up,” says Annabel, 31.

It did not get better when she joined a group on Facebook that targeted single career women looking to mingle. 

To make matters worse, her partner could not afford the exquisite dinner dates and safaris that the women she followed on Instagram bragged about. “I knew Georgie couldn’t afford much. I’d always appreciate his chips and coffee treats. But these became boring after Instagram,” she says.

She resented Georgie for it and started to entertain more affluent men who could afford the kind of dating she admired. In February 2020, Annabel broke up with Georgie. “We broke up two days to Valentine’s Day because he had no plans for the occasion.

I got a dinner date at Kempinsky and decided to part ways with him,” she says.

The common denominator

Annabel’s previous relationship is one of the many that are crumbling under the weight of social media. Despite its advantages, social media has become the source of pressure for romantic relationships.

According to psychologist consultant Martha Nyawira, the common denominator in most relationship conflicts nowadays is social media. This is majorly because modern relationships are operated and standardised on social media.

“The pressure to conform to social media has become too overwhelming for couples. Everyone is in a rush to stand out. Social media has taken the art of copying the Joneses to a whole new level,” she says. This is echoed by Leslie Shore, a communications expert and author of Listen to succeed. Ms Shore says online relationships and interactions have a direct impact on offline relationships especially in young relationships. 

Previously, couples have been known to fight over finances and sex more than anything else. But social media has risen through the ranks and is now among the main reasons for relationship fights.

For example, a 2020 study published in the Journal of cyber psychology, behaviour and social networking found that couples who use social media more than once an hour are more likely to have fights and conflicts that are directly related to social media.

These conflicts are usually the cause of break-ups and divorces. In modern dating, the frequency of social media usage is linked to the level of satisfaction. “On social network sites, you have unlimited access to other people and profiles.

This access can include information that is manipulated to seem ideal by adding events and images that portray a desirable perspective, even if the actual relationship is not ideal in real life,” said Dr Ruth Cutting in the research paper The impact of social media on romantic relationships.

Cutting back on social media

In the current age of tech and artificial intelligence, how can you protect your relationship from too much social media pressure and influence? According to Dr Marisa Cohen, a professor of psychology and the author of From first kiss to forever: a scientific approach to love, get social media pressure off your relationship’s back by avoiding to make your relationship the purpose of a perfect social media post or trend.

“There will be less pressure to conform and live like the social media trends if you focus less on creating the perfect social media story and profile,” she says. 

The power to unfollow

Social media gives you the freedom to choose what and who to follow and unfollow. For instance, says Dr Marisa, it will be difficult to get over your ex when a feed on social media keeps bombarding you with his photos.

If you are afraid that your emotions get swayed easily by trends and influencers’ posts, following and pinning popular trends and posts will do little to build up your relationship. “Social media will inevitably expose you to information that can provoke emotions and feelings such as jealousy, ridicule and shame about your partner and your relationship,” she says. But in most cases, social media will also allow you to define and set what you want to see and who you want to follow. 

It’s not always bad

Social media is not always bad for relationships. According to Nyawira, social media can equally serve as a wakeup call for your relationship. “When used with caution and emotional maturity, social media is an ideal way to advance personal relations.

The same way people are joining groups and following financial professionals on social media to learn about money is the same way you can join relevant groups to learn and advance your relationship,” she says. She singles out ‘Thriving couples’ and ‘Married people discussion on marriage matters only’ as two of the popular groups on Kenya’s social media where relationships and marital longevity are discussed and celebrated. 

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