How to date a Kenyan man
Of all the statements I have heard recently, one takes the cake, confetti and candles.
Several of my female friends are now driving, and as I tucked my machismo and masculinity in my back pocket, riding shotgun, this girl, apparently because of a diminishing market of virile men, blurts out, “There are no ambitious men left!”
Full disclosure: I don’t like riding shotgun, especially when the lady is driving. She did not inspire confidence, and this is not just because her seat was pulled all the way up to the steering wheel. We were going at 40km/h. On a highway. Where’s your ambition, young lady?
That’s beside the point.
But she got me thinking? How do you find an ambitious Kenyan man? A man who walks with an air of born-to-rule machismo and malandro charm?
You’re in luck. For I come bearing goodies, ladies. So, strap on your seatbelts, don’t touch my car stereo and let’s hit the road: The first thing you have to understand about Kenyan men is that we don’t fear commitments. We hate commitments. Loathe, even. Answering “Uko wapi?” (Where are you?) questions just doesn’t cut it for a man on a Friday night. Nah.
We want to live life on that edge, wake up on a gloomy Saturday morning and ask ourselves questions well-known to any man who’s ever picked up a woman in a bar: “Where am I?” and “Who is this person next to me?”
Broad shoulders
If you are that woman, then, it’s only natural you don’t look him in the eye. Look at his broad shoulders. His square jaw. Cast your eyes down in apparent deference, even obeisance. Let your eyes meet by accident, like when you are about to sneeze. Bonus points if you laugh at all his jokes. Not some. All.
Hang on to his every word. But don’t get too fancy with the spices. He may be the dumbest bloke in your block but act like he solves Rubik’s cubes as a hobby.
A man is nothing but an ego complex. Massage that ego. Flatter it. In fact, if you can, address it personally, because that ego is a whole being. He is an apex predator after all. Be so enamoured by him it's as though you want to crawl inside him and live there like tapeworms. Remember — we all crave approval.
Approve his lies. Why not? Lap up the sweet words from the black milk of deceit you drink from his teats. This swoonsome hunk. Watch him spend on you. Rule of thumb? If he can’t buy pampers don’t allow him to pamper you.
While other girls imbibe whiskey like it’s water in the desert, struggle with it, with that reluctance that men associate with modesty. Get so disgusted it’s almost oppressive. Money, at times, makes the air heavier for those who do not have it.
Let him go on and on about how hard it is to find a good woman — like you — in these streets. He’ll sound respectful, regretful even. Indulge him. Is there another woman? Of course not. But there are other women. We probably have a kienyeji in the village whom we promised to marry. It’s an insurance policy.
We engage in capture recapture method. It’s never really over. Relationships in Kenya are like a matatu — there’s always room for one more. One is boarding, another is alighting pale mbele. Tusongeane.
Tell him, any woman would be lucky to have him. Even a blind one can see that he is a catch. Watch his eyes sparkle. But don’t linger too long — remember, no eye contact.
Bill of Rights
A smart girl knows not to touch her man’s phone. Not just because the Bill of Rights provides for a right to privacy, but also, what you are looking for you shall find. The phone has become a flawed deus ex machina. It’s not worth it.
See, for some men, we call everyone “babe” or “honey” or “love”. It’s just how we were raised. Manners maketh a man, those who say things said. Doesn’t mean that I am seeing someone else. Besides, you are the one I love, love.
Back in the stone ages, good women would not look at a man’s phone. That’s because there were no phones to look at in the first place. But that’s the stone ages.
If your idea of a man is one who can cook (food not lies), run his own bath and clear the table after eating; you better wake up before you drool all over that bed. A Kenyan, without exception, doesn’t do dishes. Or laundry. He doesn’t cook either unless of course, he stays alone with occasional visitors who sleep over. Every night.
We date makeup but marry team natural. We look good for the gram, but when it matters, we take home the kitenge wearing ladies. Speaking of, when we accompany you for a ruracio, we are preparing you, gauging you.
See, women marry hoping to change the men and the men hoping that the women won’t change. You'll hear a woman say, “When we get married, I’ll make sure he eats home every night.” A quick look at any fast food place after 9pm. and you’ll see gold-bezel rings on married men rushing to finish their chips before heading home for burnt offerings.
Also we do not take pictures. At least not voluntarily. You want to know why? Because Kenyan men only post memes and you are not a joke to us.
I can sense I am losing the room, some of you seething and frothing, and you’d like it if I apologised. I got news for you. We’ve adopted the chief rule in the Biblical playbook for ourselves: Never admit you’re wrong, and never apologise.
No illusions
It’s worked for our leaders—proving you can cast yourself as a lovable scoundrel and the media would in turn cast you as a star – which is an astonishing phenomenon.
Kenyan men, descended from William the Conqueror, have the morals of an alley cat. It’s one of those guilty-by-association things. These days it seems that infidelity is so par for the course that taking a stance against it is seen as prudish.
But before you throw the baby and the bathwater, understand this: it comes from a good place. With Kenyan men, less is indeed more. We are under no illusions: what you see is what you get.
The cheese, ultimately, betrays the milk.
African boyfriends are like African presidents. The next one is worse than the current one. I know what you are thinking, but, no I am not the promised Messiah, o daughters of Zion. However, do these things and I will make you... fishers of Kenyan men.
[email protected] @eddyashioya
