Health Matters: You prefer vanilla but he craves the kink, what do you do?

This year has not started well for Richard and Damaris. They had a bitter exchange on the first day of the year and had to terminate their holiday at the coast and come back to Nairobi prematurely.

"The bone of contention was that I suggested oral sex and my wife wouldn't hear none of it," Richard explained when they came to the Sexology Clinic.

"How can an evil act be a right," Damaris shouted, "this is what happens when you sleep out with prostitutes and learn immoral things."

Richard stood up ready to walk out of the clinic. He was infuriated. I immediately stepped in to cool the tempers and bring some order into the conversation. I pleaded with Richard to sit down.

The couple, in their late twenties, had only been in the marriage for two years. They did not have a child. They had postponed childbearing to enjoy a good time together.

On matters of sex, Richard was liberal and wanted to try out anything. Damaris, on the other hand, was quite conservative. She felt dirty and washed after sex. She was uncomfortable with a public display of affection.

"We are facing a value conflict in sex," I concluded.

"Oral sex is unsafe, immoral, and evil," Damaris shot back.

Her view made me reflect and I realised I needed to explain the safety of oral sex. Oral sex can be done by either partner.

Medically, the safety of oral sex is comparable to that of unprotected genital sex. If you trust someone so much as to have unprotected genital sex with them, then you can as well have oral sex if your values align.

On the contrary, if your partner has a disease that can be passed through unprotected genital sex they will similarly pass it through oral sex. Let's take gonorrhea for example. If your partner has it and you have oral sex you will get gonorrhea of the mouth and throat.

HIV can also be transmitted through the mouth. This is especially if you have wounds in the mouth.

Then there is the Human Papillomavirus. This is the virus that causes warts. Warts are painless matted growths that are commonly found in people infected by this virus. It is important to note that many people are infected by this virus but do not have warts. Most people are not aware they are infected.

The bigger problem with the Human Papilloma Virus is that it can stimulate cancerous growths. It is the main cause of cancer of the cervix when it is transmitted through genital sex. Orally, the virus colonises the throat, and cancer of the throat can follow.

"So this is what I mean when I say that oral sex is unsafe!" Damaris beamed.

My answer to that was that oral sex is as unsafe as genital sex. The issue with oral sex is the personal values around it.

"Talking of values, I do not like it when my wife says that I learnt this from prostitutes," Richard says, "I read a lot about intimacy and want to try things out with my wife."

How then do you handle a partner who has different intimacy values? The first thing is to talk to each other about your feelings. Express your views and beliefs to your partner and also listen to them. Note the differences in your values and discuss how to handle them. There should be a spirit of giving and taking, you cannot just insist on your way.

Do your research. You can read and also talk to a professional together on contentious issues. Where sexual acts seem to contravene your religious beliefs, it is important to consult with your faith leaders for clarity. In all these things, learn to be patient and only push the boundaries as far as your partner allows. Experience has shown that people open up more and more as they grow in the relationship and so you should give each other time to grow.

After counselling sessions and consultation with their pastor, the couple decided to put off oral sex, until Damaris was comfortable.