He won't tell his children about us dating, I don't want to be a secret

I'm a woman in my late 30s and I've been seeing a great man who is 45 for about 18 months. I'm divorced and he's widowed, and we met by chance. Things progressed and we're now a couple.

We get on so well – it's very easy between us and we laugh a lot, and I'm keen to move things along. However, he still hasn't told his ­children about our relationship. His two daughters know we're friends and I have met both of them briefly on a couple of occasions.

But they don't know we're in a romantic relationship. I understand it's a sensitive area, as their mother died five years ago, but I do feel we've been together long enough now for him to say something.

I don't want to pressure him and ruin everything, but at the same time, I hate us being a secret and want to live my life openly. I have one teenage son, who I have told, and he's very happy for me. I've also told my family members and close friends, who all think it's great. Please advise. Suzie

READERS ADVICE

You have not stated whether you have discussed the issue of marriage with your boyfriend. What is his opinion on it? Is it possible he's just having a good time as he processes the death of his wife? Could it be the reason why he has not disclosed the relationship to his children? Have a candid discussion with him and share your sentiments. If he agrees, you can then work out the way forward. The family could still be in grief and he could ask for more time to consider your proposal. He may also need some patience from you. You also need to ask yourself whether you have fully recovered from your divorce before getting into another marriage.

John Wambugu

Though it is believed that the man should always make the first move, I believe that it is a mutual responsibility for both of you to talk about your destiny. It is your right to know where your relationship is headed lest it be for pleasure and you live to regret it. Time is also moving. I do think it is not bad for you to initiate the talk. Just find a convenient time to do it.

Rev. Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale

Shift your focus to strengthening your young relationship instead of hurriedly getting serious. Your man looks like the type who wants you to establish a strong bond with his children before making it official. You have mentioned he is a great partner meaning the best way to handle him is to avoid any unnecessary pressure and join him in working to better your love life. Give him time and he will do exactly what you expect from him. 

Juma Felix 

Ask yourself several questions. Assuming this man's daughters are in college, could he be paying fees? Has he healed from the loss of his wife, mother to his two daughters and marriage? Is he ready for a blended family and possibility of young children? Is he formerly employed, meaning his retirement is ten years away?  Have you healed from the loss of your former marriage, family and father to your son? Eighteen months is a short time for a person to heal from the loss and grow a new relationship to the level of a marriage.  So long as your boyfriend is getting his sexual needs met he may not commit soon.

Mumbi Maina

EXPERT'S TAKE

Considering you have both been in other relationships before, it would be wise to recognise a few facts that keep your relations in harmony. You mentioned that you get along so well and that you share laughs which to be frank is not something most married people can say. Your notion of moving things along should not be more important than maintaining the status quo. Stop chasing titles and societal recognition. You could easily gain titles and lose the man. It was your choice to announce to your family but that does not make it standard practice. Telling the world of your union will not add value if you overlook what matters and that is your current dynamic. When he is ready he will announce to those who matter but for now, do not spoil the broth. Do not gamble your happiness to gain a title. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor 

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

My boyfriend wanted to have a child with me. We are college students at different institutions. I acted as if I had agreed, and when I later told him I was pregnant, he was very proud and happy. A month ago he realised that I wasn't pregnant, and I had lied to him. I had faked a pregnancy test, so he believed. Once he realised I had lied he now wants to break up with me and I'm afraid of losing him. Please advise me. 

Morine

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