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Flirting with danger

What you need to know:

  • Flirting online, especially within social media, has become a delicate balancing act for many.
  • Rejection is no longer the only thing that men seeking love online have to deal with.
  • Now, they also have to worry about accusations of sexual harassment, which is actually an offense that is punishable by law.

When Linah Anyango received a pop-up message on her Facebook page from a man, her natural reaction was to ignore. But, the messages kept coming. In fact, in the course of her life, she has received quite a number of romantic messages from strange men, and from familiar men who she has no interest in dating. Online flattery has become the norm.

The man in this case became persistent, and this forced Linah to issue a response, if only to stop him from blowing her phone with his constant messages. The texts sent by the man, let’s call him James, were cordial and kind at first, as he casually expressed his admiration for Linah. He also politely requested information on how her life was like, what her interests were, what she liked and disliked.

She fashioned her response the same way, asking him questions about his life, what he did for a living, his hobbies and his family composition. But, shortly afterwards, things took a turn for the worse.

“My decision to respond to him, besides his persistence, was based on the fact that  I  felt he was kind in his messaging. The texts were flattering, which made me feel good but at the same time they got me curious. But later, he begun to nag, and even suggested that we meet at an apartment as part of our first date. I was livid,” she said.

Linah reacted by ignoring all the messages that followed. But, James didn’t take it kindly. He flooded her inbox with messages almost at the rate of one per minute, asking her why she kept on ignoring him despite the “bond” they had formed. He also wanted to know why she had refused to meet him at the said apartment.

The grand realisation 


“It is at this point that I realised that I was dealing with a case of sexual harassment. I mean, how do you ask me to meet you in an apartment on the first date, and then when I express my reservations, you become angry and start throwing tantrums? Who does that?” she said.

Only after Linah blocked James on Facebook did she regain peace. And while hers might look like an extreme case of harassment, it brings to the fore the issue of online flattery, and how quickly it can morph into sexual harassment.

Gone are the days when men, and sometimes women, would send unsolicited messages to strangers online, either complementing their beauty, dress code or appearance, or even asking them out on a date or for a drink, without raising eyebrows or attracting condemnation from external forces.

Flirting online, especially within social media, has become a delicate balancing act for many. Rejection is no longer the only thing that men seeking love online have to deal with. Now, they also have to worry about accusations of sexual harassment, which is actually an offense that is punishable by law.

Adrian Kamotho, a lawyer and advocate of the High Court, acknowledges the pitfalls of internet intimacy. He says that the danger, especially for men, is that while expressing admiration and affection towards a stranger online – mostly a woman – it is becoming increasingly likely for the message to be misinterpreted.

“Sexual harassment is so broad, and many don’t understand exactly what constitutes harassment. For instance, at present, any action or behavior that a victim would consider sexually uncomfortable, could be interpreted as sexual harassment. And this is because the Sexual Offences Act has a really broad definition of what constitutes sexual harassment,” he said.

Flattering at first 


Linah says she receives at least four messages on her Facebook page from men every week. Most of these men either want to ask her out for a drink, express their intentions to date or even marry her, while some explicitly complement her beauty, and she says that this can be particularly unsettling.

“At first, you feel flattered, especially by the complements, but as time goes by, you realise that most of the men are just preying on you, which can be quite annoying,” she said.

And she is not alone. Scores of women, and even men, have confessed to receiving unsolicited messages online, as social media increasingly becomes the go-to place for those seeking friendship, companionship and love. But how these messages will be interpreted has become the subject of debate among many. What parameters does the recipient use to determine whether to accept the text kindly, ignore it or interpret it as sexual harassment?

Tatyana Aliongo, an avid social media user with accounts both on Facebook and Instagram, says her decision on whether to respond to or ignore a man online depends on a number of factors, but mostly importantly, his looks and appearances as shown on his profile.

“I rarely respond to direct messages on my social media accounts. But if I do, then I must have checked your profile and confirmed that you are the kind of person I would like to associate with. Otherwise, I would shamelessly ignore you. Not everyone deserves my attention,” says Tatyana who confessed that one of her Instagram friends is a man whose profile she fell in love with because of his sense of fashion.

The same goes for Jackline Muthoni, an active user of Twitter, who said that while social media can sometimes provide a false impression of a person, her decision to respond or not are mostly guided by the tone of the message, and the request made.

“I think that we have become a misogynistic society where men have become entitled to women and their bodies, and we practice this even on social media. I would never respond to a message in my inbox unless the sender is courteous and kind. Otherwise I would delete it immediately,” she said. 

Kamotho, the advocate, says that because the laws governing sexual harassment are quite broad in their definition of this vice, it is up to the recipient to determine whether the message they received was appropriate or not.

This means that the burden of proof lies with the sender, who has to explain what their intentions were and whether punitive action should be taken against them if the matter is escalated to a court of law, or becomes a police case, as has happened in many instances. 

“It is about the perception of the person who claims that he or she has suffered sexual harassment, and the suggestion that would make them believe that the sender’s words or actions amount to sexual harassment. The sender is then left on the defense, to explain the intention of their actions,” says Kamotho.

“The sad reality is that most offenders have been men, and the victims women. And the fact that the harassment happens online makes it even more difficult for the sender to extricate himself from the case because he has obviously left a trail of evidence in the form of messages, which can then be easily used against them,” he added.

But then, there are the extreme cases, where both women and men, have been victims of online harassment through explicit pornographic content. These individuals have either received in their inboxes provocative pictures and videos, or been asked by strangers and acquaintances to send their nude photos. This is what the Computers Misuse and Cybercrimes Act of 2018 seeks to address.

“Occasionally, I receive pornographic videos in my inbox, mostly from male foreigners who are sometimes not even among my Facebook friends. I usually block such individuals immediately. If I show you the number of people I have blocked, you will be shocked,” said Amina Mbuthia.

Amina says the trend has become so annoying and disgusting for her that she has resorted to only checking her inboxes on a computer or laptop where she can easily differentiate between messages from her friends, and the offensive ones.

“The videos can be quite disturbing. I had to uninstall the Facebook App from my phone so that I don’t access my inbox regularly. I think Facebook should come up with a security feature where if you are not in my circle of friends, you can’t send messages to me,” she said.

The Computers Misuse and Cybercrimes Act of 2018, which categorises actions such as sending unsolicited messages, pictures and videos to an individual, trolling, bullying and even cyber-stalking an individual as part of the online Cyber harassment, says that such offenses, if proven, will attract a fine of Sh20 million, a 10-year prison term, or both.

And while the Act remains ambiguous on exactly what constitutes sexual harassment, it says that victims can obtain court orders to stop the harassment by compelling online service providers to provide the perpetrators’ information, including their name, address, location, email address and phone number.