What you need to know:
- In your 20's getting into action is like striking a match into a can of petrol
- Then one day the switch turns off. Without any warning or confrontation, your bullfighting days are over
One of the most beautiful things about youth beyond having lofty dreams is falling in lust. There's no feeling like it. You're in university, you meet this girl in a friend's bash, and in between gulping copious amounts of punch, you get talking. She instantly strikes you, and your heart suddenly becomes mash. From the way she looks at you, she also agrees to be part of your territory.
Fast forward, to the next morning, and she is doing the walk of shame back to her hostel. She doesn't mind. Cupid arrow has both of you stupefied, and in the next weeks, all you do is engage your bodies and senses.
In your 20's getting into action is like striking a match into a can of petrol. Your stamina is up, and you are ready to get down, wherever or whenever. You will meet someone, get to know them and if you're both interested, the flirting and sexting will begin. Soon you are sending nudes, as you agree on your meeting point. You are game.
At this time, you are so switched on that the only thing that may be working against you is the number of willing matches that come your way.
Then one day the switch turns off. Without any warning or confrontation, your bullfighting days are over.
How does it all go down? It's a Friday and you can't wait for the day to end. The meetings throughout the day seem long and you wonder why they can't end faster. Have the days become longer? Is it the Summer Solstice?
You are full of anticipation as the sun comes down. You have a date. The date. You met the lass a few weeks back, and after a stream of flirty WhatsApp messages, you have agreed that it's time to put the words into action. The lion is roaring as you put the final touches on your dress, and apply perfume to your most delicate parts. You meet up for a drink and her company is enthralling. But as the night wears on, the talk is furthest from your mind. She reads the mood too and soon you are departing to your home.
As you close the door to your flat, clothes are flying in the air. Until now everything is going according to the script. The air is heavy with anticipation. Then everything goes blank. You fail to rise to the occasion. 'Is it the end of the world, your world? Are you ever going to score it with her again?' you wonder dejectedly.
The next morning, after you have cleared your mind, you reason that it's a temporary problem and you try all workarounds. But nothing. Not a single sign that things are going up. You wonder what to blame? Do you blame exhaustion? A long workday? Not having eaten enough? GMO's? Money pressure? Global warming? Political instability? The handshake? Who do you blame? She's getting impatient and eventually, you give up. You make sure her needs are met in different ways but the phoenix will not rise from the ashes. The funeral pyre is still blazing hot and there's no salvation.
She eventually tells you that it's okay but you don't believe her. You know this is a PR code to not hurt your feelings. You know you've killed the one-shot you had with her and this is probably not going to happen again so you don't text her, ever. You can't stop thinking about your failure to launch. You can't figure out what happened and it keeps on bothering you until the next girl you meet.
You forget about it briefly but when you're flirting with this new babe, promising her heaven, the thoughts come back and you start having doubts again. You eventually have her over and it's game over before it begins again. You have more apologies than a Manchester United player after their third loss in three weeks.
You eventually decide to try Viagra and before long, that's your everyday fix. You're 28 with a lifetime ahead of you and that's how you might spend the rest of your life if you're not careful.
First of all, as men, bad nights happen. They happen to everyone if we were all being honest. They're impacted by everything from stress to exhaustion to a medical issue to having no explanation at all. It happens. It's really a part of the game. It's not the end of the world and it doesn't define you. Most times, it resolves itself after a while and the biggest thing you need to do is not to pressure yourself—it really doesn't help. If you feel like you need help just go to a doctor- a real one, not those ones advertising on electricity poles. Get some help but you need to stop letting one or two bad nights define you because it ends up consuming you. That's how we end up with tens of thousands of young men dependent on blue pills and beyond a certain point, they can't perform without them.
I remember the first time it happened to me and I was this close to calling "Daktari Omar kutoka Pemba" but over time I learnt that one shouldn't be held mentally hostage by a bad performance. Sex is already high pressure because great coitus is judged by how well you delivered the preaching on the pulpit.
We all have off days once in a while.
The least you can do is ease up on the pressure and move on. There will be better days. I promise.
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