What you need to know:
- During my childhood, my dad often called me girlish and regarded me as too soft. In high school, some friends mocked me as too girlish
- This really affected my confidence and self-esteem. I love the girl I'm in a relationship with and I'm afraid of losing her
My name is Denver, I'm 22 and I have never been in a relationship until recently when I met a girl whom I love. My childhood and teenage life were complicated, I silently suffered from depression but no one knew, including my parents. My parents were in a toxic and chaotic relationship. During my childhood, my dad often called me girlish and regarded me as too soft. In high school, some friends mocked me as too girlish. This really affected my confidence and self-esteem. I love the girl I'm in a relationship with and I'm afraid of losing her but I find it really difficult to show my love because my dark past is always lurking behind me. I'm afraid I have become unlovable. What do I do?
By Maurice Matheka
The first step is your admission on the psychological issues that need to be solved. Our upbringing has a great impact on our life. I would advise that you visit a professional counselor or psychologist, with whom you can forge a plan on solving your issues. Not only is your love life at stake if the issue remains unresolved, but also the quality of your social life. It may lead to a series of break-ups cementing the deceptive feeling that you are void of love and impossible to love.
You were labeled, you took the brand, believed it, and wore it like your second skin. Now you believe you are girlish. Being soft is not necessarily girlish. Has the girl treated you badly or told you are not man enough? You have unresolved issues and the only way to reconcile them is by seeking professional counseling. Change your attitude of thinking you are unlovable, appreciate yourself with all the flaws and enjoy this short life. There are people out there who feel lovable but haven't found love, isn't plausible you have found someone?
People have successfully taught you how to hate yourself. No person is like another. Some women are as tough as boys while some men are as gentle as ladies. Love yourself first, then know what suits you most. You're still young so find who you really are outside people's labeling.
Silus Wengu, Eldoret
Sometimes our past experiences affect our future life and this is what is eating you up. I suggest that you visit a psychologist for counseling.
Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale
People will always judge you depending on how you behave around them. So be proud of yourself and focus on being even better without the girlish mentality. Now that you have a girl you love, be open and if you trust each other, let her know what you went through while growing up. That way you will be able to know if she is worth having by your side. You can also consider visiting a counselor and get the best advice on how you two are going to handle the past lest it affects your relationship. Lastly, never be too afraid to lose a woman you love because it's never a guarantee that your relationship will last forever. Juma Felix.
Many have gone through your experience and unfortunately have faced bullying either from parents or peers. What matters right now is how you handle yourself and surge forward without allowing your past to dictate your future. You are a young man and from now on only you can control what happens next. Unless your relationship is artificial it helps to share with your girlfriend so that she can be part of your healing process. Your perception of being unlovable is not healthy because you then project negative energy and that creates hurdles in your relationship. Love is an experience. It is not a straight line nor is it a plug-and-play scenario. Communicate truthfully and teach one another how to love and embrace each other. Your future can be much brighter if you let go of the past.
Relationship counselor, Maurice Matheka
NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA
Hi, I am a dad of one who runs a business in the Western region. The business was doing well until January this year when things changed. I run the business with a woman, who I was intimate with for a time, but I cut off the relationship because I didn't want it to affect the venture. I then reconciled with my wife.
That's when things started getting crazy. I bought a vehicle in February this year and on its second week, it got an accident. About a month later my wife became ill and she was admitted to hospital, then at the same time the business went down drastically to a point that paying bills has become very difficult. All these happenings made me worried and I sought spiritual guidance and I was informed that the woman's business partner had sought the services of a witch doctor to "kunifunga" as revenge. This has really affected me.
On confronting my business partner, she played the victim and was unmoved. I feel stuck to her and so helpless. My wife is recovering at her parents' and is yet to resume her job. What do I do? Kindly hide my identity. Thanks
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